the night i waited for you

it was an interesting one this night. then again, they all are some way or another.

how do i love thee, let me count the ways..
my friend sohair came over to visit with me that night. how i couldnt wait for you. so i made sure not to.

without word from you, i flung myself back again. the three argentinan boys were more than happy to comensate for your lack of appreciation. oh but let me tell you all about this night!

citron. short skirt. blue top. hair up.
sohair. a drink. cigarettes.
scoping. eyes on me. a pat on the seat next to him
pass by.
float back

have a seat with the smiling face.
exchange glances and a few words
before long the other comes to sit next to me
this side a hand up my shirt
that side a hand up my skirt
my feet up to rest in the crotch of the boy
across from me

see i promised id be easy bait tonight.
not just one, baby. three.

and a nauseous ride home later
three boys pleasuring my body
one left so dry, so voided, so emptied
from longing and an exhausting hopeless fight
that it drank of this. thirstily. hungrily.

foresaking you symbolically
for foresaking me

this is the way that i die at your hands
because i know in an alternate universe
im breaking bread with you
learning of your dreams
your desires.

manifesting them.

in another reality we are sitting together
talking of laughter. enjoying
good food and beautiful company,
watching
our inner souls reflected
in each others eyes.

maybe in this world,
if we -you- are lucky
we will create
that

last ditch effort - manifested.

this is sassy, reporting on the latest in the seduction of the tiger.

obviously, i have been stirring. crazy, emotional, insanity. it has been a terrible past two weeks, full of well-meaning advice to move on, pitying nods humoring me, and general silence here to my emotional outburts, well deserved for being such a reactor in his absense. nonetheless, i have felt devalued and on some level deceived, my time away from him such a sharp contrast to the time i spend with him, and as i said, in my gut, i felt like the only thing at this point left to do was to confront him. i have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket and picked up a car tonite.. despite my agony and my (serious) inability to even move sometimes from the incapacitating angst this has caused me, i decided that i had to go out there, to see what was going on, to see what was up.

insane it was. but hey, i walk in these crazy places, in the name of a higher truth, in the name of intuition, in the name of whatever because that is who i am.

i knew two things. i wasn't going to sit in the dark any longer, not knowing and making up such crazy bullshet in my own mind. i wasn't going to let him think that it is ok to appear and dissappear at will, without explaination, regardless of the crap he is engaged with right now. and i was definately sure that i did not want to go on any longer not verbalizing what i truly feel. a deep serious connection, and the degree to which my heart is truly engaged.

so again, two things. you mean alot to me, and even so, if you want me to continue to stand for you, we can't go on like this.

i picked up the car late, around midnight. then i gathered my things, to be prepared incase it went on for longer than i expected. then i got in the car and drove.

it was very interesting how calm i was for most of the drive. there wasn't a lot to me that was doubting this, i knew on some level, that in order to move on, i would have to have this conversation with him. it has been getting in the way of my life, in the way of so many things... i needed to have some kind of closure, some sort of understanding about where we stood. as i got closer to the house, i started driving slower. i became nervous, and doubting. i knew this was crazy, easily insane, but i had chosen it and was clear about following through. so i calmed myself and approached, parked the car, and walked up the drive way.

a fascinating night this one. this is what i found.

lights were on. in the bedroom, the light went off, and the porch light came on. i ring the doorbell. then, voices. his, and someone else. a woman. at that... im just like greaaaat, i hear him coming through from the back porch to the driveway, and as i do, i start to walk away. hes taking his trash out, bringing it down the drive way as i am walking down it, and away. im just walking.. hands in pockets. mulling this thing. what now. and he comes in even with me, staring at me. i look back at him. he doesn't look angry, upset, or even surprised. just staring.

we come to the end of the driveway and he turns to face me. i look at him and whisper. another woman? he nods. i nod back, almost to myself. and he tells me, a one night stand. and i look back at him. cute, i say.

i needed to talk to you, i tell him, and hes looking back at me, i know he says. and then, a two hour conversation at the foot of his driveway ensues. a long conversation, along the same lines of many of our other conversations, but this time, im not buying these reasons these stories. its hard, im scared, i dont know what to do with myself he says. and i stand my ground. i will NOT, i say, i reFUSE to see you as a victim. i will not.

he says what can i say to you. i have no idea what to say to you. he tells me again of his darkness, how crazy it is, how terrible. and i stand my ground. i speak of the passing of time. how completely i empathize with his problems but in the end, how i believe that he is fully capable of moving through them. its a big conversation about urgency essentially, and how even so, even though he has all this to deal with, his stuckness, and he himself talks often of being stuck, is his choice. i tell him of my belief that regardless of all the guilt he feels, regardless of all this drama, and its horrors, that he must be getting something out of it. otherwise he would choose something different. i went hard with him, but as usual, from love, and sometimes this kind of honest feedback is what it takes to rattle someone out of his cave.

i get into this lack of calling. this dissappearing act. i authentically speak of the insanity it leaves me in. i tell him that who knows why, but that i feel very strongly for him, and that when he does this, it nullifies everything. it places into doubt everything that he has said to me about anything else. at the points when i express my pain, or show it on some level, he tears up.. he is visibly shaken, visibly upset. also when i expressed deep feeling, that too has him look to the sky and curse.

he tells me that more than anything he is frightened. that when he is with me it only reminds him of how badly he wants to be with me, speaks of my perspective, and how far away from it he is. how fukced up he is in comparison. how much i teach him, and yet how frightened that makes him. how he finds it impossible to respond to a call, or an email, how he sits with it, stares at it, and listens to it, me over and over, maybe 50 times and then how each time it makes him ache more and more, until he simply blocks me from his mind. its head in the sand he says.. ostrich syndrome.

in my mind this is now or never. i don't let up on him, i speak of what kind of life he wants, i ask him what he wants. i tell him that i spoke to a psychic, and how she tells me that he won't get over his crap until he is 65. i look at him and say, 65! is that the way you want to live? this world is worth so much more than that. this is not what you want, and he says, i don't know what i want. and i say, yes, you do. you know what you want. but it is not this.

i tell him as sympathetic as i am to his problems, that i would be completely selling out on him if i were to continue to be nice and all sugar, and not tell him these things. how i am saying this because i care, even if they may be hard to hear. he nods. he understands.

remember, all this time there is a woman inside the house. i don't think she is a one night stand either, but that is neither here nor there.

ok, so we have gotten to this point, and i say something like this. i just need communication from you. i need to know where you are. if you need to step away i can do that, but you need to say that. we can exist only in words, or, we can each paint, the time it takes to paint each other like you said. otherwise, i really have to say goodbye to you. i need you to trust me. let me on your team. and, i have to stand up for myself. i can't continue letting you think that you can come and go, whenever without explaination. its not fair to me. i have a life. im well wanted. but the point is that i want you. im here for you, but i can't stand here picking my nose forever.

he is a crazy man, let me just say this. he is a little crazy. he starts babbling again about the ex, this and that, how he blew up in court over a mediator on the 5th, how he is in contempt of court now, how he simply couldn't take it any longer. how they threw him in jail for a night. jesus. drama anyone?

ok great, he has his stories. but the difference this time was that i continued to stand for what was behind that. what i see and have always seen. but i also said that i wasn't going to convince him to be with me. that infact, i needed to walk away myself.. that this was making me crazy, this now here now gone crap. and that essentially, i needed to say goodbye.

at some point through all of this, he says, september eleventh is my divorce trial. as id suspected, from my own research and his behavior, he is not yet completely divorced. after this, he says, i will have a lot less excuses. and i will be able to move forward on some level better than i can now. so ok, i say. september 11th, im going to walk away between now and then. if i find something to send to you i will, but be silent if it pleases you, between now and then. handle that. i will look for you after september 11th.

two twin towers fall he says, and a new one is being built in its place. a new one, a better one. in 8 weeks, ive waited 19 months. youve waited 9. in 8 weeks, he says.. he sounds hopeful. i say yes. we will see then. ill look for you after that.

i also look at him and say i want you to read a book for me. it is called the 33 strategies of war. it will help you. you are in a war, and need all the help that you can get. go get that book. yes he says. i'll get it tomorrow.

there were a couple points also that i stood there and said look, i am well wanted in this world, i have a lot to me that is desireable, im smart, im pretty, im talented, and as i talk about this, he nods, in fierce agreement, as i rattle qualities, he nods, faster and faster. it has never been a question he says. there has never been a need to convince me, i know. ive been sold from the beginning. earlier as well he uses this metaphor, you are a glove he says, and i am the hand. more than one time there is this from him, this furious gesture of how well we are matched. ok then, i say to him. so what are you going to do about it?

he feels so lost.

anyhow. at that, i will wait. my heart feels better, and ive parted ways respectfully. there will be time. i am not interested in messing with it until he has this under control. i am going to use this time to grow, as an individual, as a seducer, as a woman. i hope he will too. after the trial, we will have a conversation. see where we are, and take it from there. in so many words i said that i would not be putting my life on hold, but that i would do my best to wait.

8 weeks in the face of 6 months? its all about that deadline. the time span. and he then promises to call me after the trial tomorrow, and that he wants to have a big party in september after it, and speaks of the corner stone, when they build a new building, the corner stone, fighting about who will get to keep it... babble shmable. but its cool. ive said my piece. i've also in this found my peace. if im still around when he comes back wonderful. between now and then? my life is mine, his, is his.

its wildly late now, and i so have court in the morning for this frickin speeding ticket. i need to go to sleep but wanted to post this for your thoughts while it was still fresh in my mind. i find it to be a good move altogether..and am proud of myself for trusting myself and going through with this sort of an endeavor. i didn't throw a hysterical fit. i didn't threaten anything about and around the ex. i didn't cry (at all!), instead, i stood tall, and confidently, i stood there telling this man, older than me, more experienced, more jaded than i'll ever know, that life is what you make it, and that he needed to snap out of this, and push the clouds out of the way, to find out what he really wanted to have, to understand who he really is. to stop telling me, and himself that he no longer had the strength. because he does. i know it and he knows it.

and at that we said good bye.
so. at this point, i am not sure exaaactly what to do. completely walk away, cutting off all communication? or that constant inspiring presence, in the form of a poem here or a forward there?

hm im too tired to think about it now.
in the next few weeks, i may post for strategies on the reconnect.

reporting to seducers world, this is sassy, signing out.

last ditch effort

so--

my big seduction, the tiger has left for his cave of silence. there are messages everywhere, to give up, and as luck would have it, our sassy is a fighter, a stubborn one, who so entranced by romantic notions of love still holds stubbornly to the olive branch of hope praying for a swift end to troubled waters, so that the greatest love she has glimpsed can manifest itself as it so rightly deserves to be in a world of justice and love.

over the last few weeks my mind has been spinning in circles. i have seen the seduction clearly. i have seen the hopelessness clearly. ive been angry. ive been resolute. i've been analytical. ive been exuberant. ive been wildly optimistic, and ive had a tearing sadness, all pass through me with equal intensity. he has a powerful effect on me, and thats the extent of what i know.

based on the laws of seduction, i need to somehow instigate a pursuit. he has not pursued me and there are multiple speculations on why.. these include his circumstances, the idea that i haven't given him the chance, the idea that he may be disingenuine in his expressive desire and affectedness for me, who knows, its anybody's guess.

plan after plan keeps unwinding in my mind, based on what i know of him, and thats a lot. what touches him, what stirs him. i wouldn't say that the seduction has been unsuccessful at all, it has been amazing given the circumstances, but it hasn't hit its mark quite either.

yet, the situation terribly is complex and i feel im at a fork. two choices, to wait, or to walk away. ive been waiting, if i knew it would lead somewhere i would continue to, but i do not have any idea if it will. i would walk away, but my heart is making this very difficult.

i sent a text on friday afternoon. it said darling, i have business with you on monday, be ready.

the stage is set for a massive spectacle. drastic measures. many words experiences, dreams conversations have been exchanged between us, much energy, a great amount of intense time. often it feels like there is nothing but this left to do.

as it stands the plan is to show up on his doorstep, where i have been taken many times, where i know he hides out. at that point, im still unclear. it could be a now or never conversation. it could be a symbolic gesture. it could be a declaration of love, it could be a fierce interrupt. a farewell on my part. whatever i do will either be very bad, or very good.

i may be losing my mind. i say that completely deadpan because it doesn't feel like that but in spurts. i feel fine, like its just another seduction. but the biggest one. the most valuable one. the most hopeless one and the most story worthy one. the one i want. the hunt excites me, its true. i often can't help it.

regardless, im at the turning point.
and i can't leave or let him leave me without a goodbye.

gone.

and as fast as he came, he was gone.

a whirlwind weekend with him, my heart flying straight out of its cage, overwhelmed completely that once again, so much yearned for, so highly desired, so desperately wanted, him.. him... he was here again, next to me, back, my beautiful broken bird had come back. i grew feverish, i became consumed by the details, all the details, watching him watching me, filing comments away, noticing what caused a reaction what caused a lull. details and desperate yearning came together in a massive explosion, undulating and obsessive within me.

now, a week has gone by with so little word that like a gun shy child, i keep ducking my head and closing my eyes tightly, holding my breath because perhaps, maybe already, any second now he will be gone again. gone again and my body is left clawing at the air, my friends are left shaking their heads, my inner rage once again grows. all the faith and love in the world still stands small to some of the rage i feel at this kind of tightly woven desire, this sureness that he is for me, that i am for him. i create him to be huge, a god, a martyr, a statue. so as soon as the phone call didn't come, when i saw the pattern undulating again, a screaming pain inside began its churning. began its desperate terrible yearning.

don't get me wrong, i only have moments where the shades are drawn back and we can see this gnawing pit of hunger in me, when people ask or talk about the tiger, when we start to look at his absense, when i don't have friends and family to keep my mind distracted of its traumatic yearnings. and then, soon enough, my eyes clear of their tears, of that bleary-eyed haze, and i see once again my animal, the huntress, the objective, the end goal. i become laser, analyzing details nuances, spending my time away plotting planning and setting the stage for the next steps. my power returns, i stand up straight again, he is once again my victim, i set up our roles correctly.

the repositioning is amazing for perspective, for adjustment, for my mental state and wellbeing, but still, there is a nagging in my heart, and i can't ever fully let it go. the anxiety. the want. the hunger. with time they grow, intoxicating me, drowning me in that desperate heartful desire.

and now, the space is standing still again. wait, give up, walk away, hold tight, reseduce, reseduce reseduce.. fight for love, fight for heart, stay patient and sit tight for what everyone sees as an old man with too many problems? which way should i turn? what is true, what is worth fighting for, and what is worth giving up?

this is where the tiger has left me, in his absense.

and could he know what happens to me, what my heart does to my body, i don't know that he would be so careless or so self pitying. if he could even be told the stories, the pieces of me that have been strewn in the recent attempts to fill this bleeding carnevorous hole, i have no idea how he would feel.

nothing like this has ever touched me, to date. somewhere in the back of my mind, i have decided that it is to be my great love story. every girl needs one, so this one is obviously mine.

the situation honestly makes no sense, and yet i have arrived to a certain point of surrender about it. he will do as he does. i will continue to watch and wait. he has come back to my nest, he has been hovering. land in my web poor dear one. take a load off, and relax. then.. from there we shall see.

with time, everything comes around. even crazy men like him.
the only thing i am worried about is if i am to lose my soul in this process..

the virtue of faith

this world breeds us to be dissillusioned and full of doubt.

at the slightest misbehavior, we punish those around us harshly. we take these things very personally. we are scared and this is the result of that fear.

tiger has been in crazy places. no one can argue this.

understand also that my silence and forgiveness has a far deeper impact on his conscience than a screaming woman would have. he is not stupid. he knows he is acting like a lunatic, often times.

for a man drowning, what a deep touch to have this undying flame you see? seduction is always about looking at what is before us, and responding to that need. i have done nothing more than this.

you are not the only one. many people want me to let go of him. there is great wisdom in letting go of him, of this, of all of it. of course there is.

but all i've got is this.
i believed, and now he is back. it was impossible. lost. gone. forever. but i still believed. and now he is back. i don't understand it other than to know that our mental states affect a lot more that is out of our spheres than we think. patience is key. nothing comes over night.

this is seduction, is it not?

it may blow up in my face at this point, and i know this. it would be nice for it not to. but i am surrendered to whatever comes at this point, because what i thought was gone has once again landed in my hands. i am expecting him to leave, i know no hyperventalating if he does. there is a moon in picses that needs space. but he couldn't shake me that time, and i think he would be complete shet to try again. i don't anticipate it, but i don't rule it out..

regardless, there is no loss of power in being there for another who is in need. it honestly feeds me to be this source of light. it is not unreturned. the adoration in him is appearant. changes, his appetite, his mood. broken, sad, on thursday, and incredibly revitalized by tuesday.

its not easy this one, and maybe thats why the comments are few. but i have always cursed my big heart. hated myself for extending, and placing myself out there, stamped hard on my vulnerability. i have spent time curled up in incapacitating fear at intimacy and closeness and sacrificing myself to a greater good, to another, etc etc.

i see that i took a different step this time. i decided to have faith. to act out of love. there was something i saw and wanted, for no other reason than the fact that it was right, a meant to be, something worth fighting for. i needed no reward. i would just stand steadily in that place, in my faith in him. believe and see what happened. and this! this happened. you see?

i decided i had fallen in love with him, and that love is more powerful than fear. or shet. or circumstance. and stubbornly stood there. i disregarded worthiness conversations, him for me, or me for him. i disregarded everything other than what i knew was important. this. him. me. seduction.

we are very quick to cut each other off in this world you know.

sometimes this is a good thing. but sometimes, by doing the opposite of what anyone else would do, you raise yourself to be something ethereal and superceding of those around you. competition becomes obsolete. and now more than ever, the way he looks at me, unbelieving. in awe.

i am everything he never had with this last woman. everything he has always wanted in any woman.

it is a brilliant thing.
seduction is not easy.
and here i set my sights on him.

i chose him. that one. mine.

and hear this:
i do not give up on ANYthing without a fight.

s

reseduction of the tiger.

synopsis, tiger = big arse seduction that essentially brought me to seducers world, the big one, dissappears for 6 months we have a sit down and very fast quickly he is now back in my life. big successful seductive night two nights ago i grab sex, and now two days later we meet for fireworks.

the time tonight was interesting and now im processing. at this point i am dealing with some interesting factors, information, conversations, blah blah blah and i need some help looking at this picking it apart and setting it up clearly in my mind.

so he calls on time then called on his way and when he came to my house, im running around, cleaning. i go to take a shower. come out in my towel to an adoring passionate kiss.

he loves my music thats playing. seems happy. wants persian food. we go pick it up, people are heading to my house, he has an amazing appetite, can't believe it, because he normally doesn't eat a thing, but today, past few days, he has this amazing appetite. this seems important to note. i say yes, you are coming back to life. he asks me to wear the same short sexy shorts from the other night. i do.

plans with friends are scattered. one friend in particular comes by, the best friend type but shes a little new in my life. energy is a little muddled for it. she doesn't exactly approve of this, him, blah blah, and is pouty. i wonder if maybe she is jealous? not sure. he gets stir crazy at my place and we leave, all together, head to meet others out, a pool hall. neither of us want to be there, so we take off for the mall, for fireworks alone. will meet you there. all of this is a little rocky, i don't want to piss off the friend but i can tell i need to get him away from this environment, and soon.

so the conversation on the way im not happy with talked of the sex a little but he wasn't ready as id said, before, and he says it again here to me. i am not sure if this was the time for a conversation on that -- didnt get far with it, and don't know what the point was. i think i felt it was important to explain why i needed to sleep with him. im feeling this was unecessary. he hushes the conversation. don't speak of it he says..

so resistance to this conversation. i left turn, i talk of fantasies, want to know them, but he keeps them too, saying instead many things about (extreme) kink and love relationships, the dangers of mixing the two, the down fall of it. also that he needs to really trust me to tell me.. i share something of mine, its hot but covert, nothing shocking really, but highly erotic..

a moment here, he looks at me and says have you ever been in love? and i look at him, the only person ive ever felt in love with and stare blankly back.. waiting, and say, i dont know. what is it like? and he says.. you know. there is no question..

got to the fireworks, its beautiful with just him. we find a spot to sit, right in the middle. significant because a conversation some time ago (two days ago feels like years ago) about his favorite spot in the movie theatre, (and mine too) right in the middle. we sit. and then the friends im suppose to meet up with we see, and so i need to talk to them. i go. he tells me to wave and he will come over there. but we have a very good spot so i somehow bring them over to us. managing a balance here, a very hard balance friends and him. in a big party ok. in a smaller group, complicated. basically time alone = good, time with them and him, energy a little off. im divided focus.

he asks me how i managed to bring them over, and i say i can talk anyone into anything. and he says pssh yeah. i know. you proved that two nights ago. i am not sure what to say to this. what should i say to something like this?

i really enjoyed the time, the fireworks were beautiful. at one point i issued this interesting monologue to him about fire, the fire of us, fire of this world. during the fireworks i say, leaning over, its really simple
look at that fire

fire (pointing at the fireworks.) fire (pointing at the cannon shooting it) fire (pointing at the sailing fire bombs)

see youre a fire sign and im a fire sign

this is fire.
you and i? fire.

life is fire

this world
fire.

and he nods. what about the rest, he asks. i say the rest is not important. this is all that is important. i think he likes when i do this sort of thing. then there is very impressiive things they do with these fireworks. and at one point there is a lion face i see. i say oh my gosh, a lion. then another .. then oh is his face! a lion.. then i look at him, lean in and say ...you are a lion. he grabs me and i get a tight hug, a kiss.

ok so into the fireworks things off a little. around the friends during the fireworks i want more affection he is with himself. i try to stand solid, mimick his posture, like panther's nlp advice. as soon as they end he makes to leave soon, like now. if i want to pace, i should stay with my friends. we'll say good bye. he would love the company but needs to get in the car to go as soon as he gets there. im bad, i linger at that point. a choice again. there is hesitation in the choice. im famous for taking forever to decide things too. i see my self hesitating and stoppit. make the choice, i walk him back, tell friends i will meet them back at my building. a few live there.

as we leave, there are huge crowds. i tell him im good at busting through them but he has to keep a hold on my hand. he does and we dodge through people. i use my voice and energy making paths, leading him through quickly.

the walk back on track. its good when he talks more than i. he gets it all out i think. he talks more about the ex. where it started, how it started and how she slowly brought him away from what was important to him. i listen to all of this very attentively.
he is talking very fast. very excitable. "this is where i was in my life. at 23. top of the world. here and here and here and all of these things. and then she was there, everywhere. and i liked it. and then i say this and that and we move here. and then it became too much and i wanted to disengage and then she got pregnant. and i had this choice. i could be like my father, who was never there or i could take responsibility.. "

more:
"see basically im not impressed. im not impressed with these 14 years. im not impressed with my morals. im not impressed with my choices. and im trying to talk myself into the fact that the universe took me and is having all of this happen to put me in the right place, to put me back into what is important."
he talks a lot about freedom, how i have the freedom to go anywhere any time and still don't choose to, while he thinks everyday of all the things keeping him from doing this.
also that he doesn't know who he is anymore. yes you do i say and he says yes, i do but i don't know how to get there, where i need to be, and i say, its called sassy. he laughs at this.

we get close to my neighbor hood, he is turned around, i say this way he thinks that, i say ok, we will go that way and we do before he realizes where he is and heads back the right way. i am laughing the whole time..

so looking forward, court is tomorrow. this has made him a little jittery throughout the day. i don't dilly dally at the car, i get a lovely beautiful gorgeous kiss good bye, i say thank you, he stops and says no thank you so much for this, it was wonderful, and i leave him with two things, tasks. an email after the trial, if he has a moment, tell me what the result was. a little thing, not hard to do. he agrees.

and this thing about dinner, he is supposed to cook for me on thursday, it will probably be at his house. i tell him to call me on thursday. thats it. no commitment to do it, whatever, just call and let me know the deal. when i tapped on it earlier he says something about how he needs to get past ironing his shirt and picking out clothes for the trial, he is too focused on that to think beyond it... i don't press on this.

a part of me wonders if i should put off the dinner thursday evening. a part of me is exhausted at all this exposure. its again every other day like before. lots of information to process like before. just don't want things to end up like before. im out of town this weekend though and so after thursday nothing till next week. a thought. good bad idea?

but today, two days ago, i told him to call by noon so that i could set my plans up, and he did. he also called again about 20 minutes away. he has been behaving well. nothing he has said he would do has he flaked on.

there is a lot of information circling. im in deep analyzation of it all and somewhat immersed in this water. like up to my eyes. i need clarity of vision if i am going to keep the kernal turning. i think im doing ok, but i don't want to let anything slip too much or too long. writing this all out is also tremendous but i need to stay focused.

i need game plan for the weeks ahead, if there are to be weeks ahead. think seduction sassygirl.. resistance, circumstance psyche everything. i need to see perspective external from my own eyes.