Staying Stuck in a Single State of Mind
In the course of dating, reflecting and then dating again, one is sometimes struck by a few... shall we say... patterns.
Mine: meet said romantic prospect - fall for them/they fall for me - we enter the itsy bitsy beginning stages of being together - a push or a tug along the way - then - explosive unrecoverable final kaput ending, before anything has really even gotten started.
Ok maybe I am being dramatic. Sometimes its not explosive. Really this sounds worse than it is. Still though, its also no picnic. It does make for good stories, if you like that sort of thing. Which I might. Secretly of course.
People (friends and cohorts, and even potential partners) will react to this pattern in a few different ways. They'll usually say - it must be that you're going after a certain kind of (bad) man - or - you just haven't met 'the one'. I often wonder why they always go to the guys, as if I'm completely devoid of any responsibility for this pattern, as if I have nothing to do with it. Now look, I don't have some kind of physical deformity, or any significant lack of intelligence or social grace. I don't mean to imply that I am a reject or otherwise undesirable, because frankly speaking, I'm not.
I think this tendency to look outside of the self is impulsive; a knee jerk reaction to absolving the self of the rather intensely uncomfortable process of looking at oneself squarely to understand what is and isn't working about our perspectives and behavior in and around our worlds. The easy answer, we're addicted to it culturally really... in order, its something like 1) the men you like are bad, 2) you are bad/wrong/a mess/etc, 3) you're looking too hard/want too much... you get it, right? Cliched variations of the same unproductive answers. Bleh. All these answers bore me really. And I don't think they are anywhere close to the truth.
Speaking of addiction and impulse, I think the real culprit here is comfort zone. Routine, the state of the world as you know it. And with me... I know that I have an attachment to independence and freedom, which has contributed to a long romantic life free of actual partnership/relationship. And while I think that I've significantly matured since the time when all this started, and while I recognize that a truly balanced partnership wouldn't threaten my freedom at all, I suspect that I am somewhat stuck in a single state of mind.
I think you can identify with this concept: The one with all the stories, romances and passing trysts, the one least likely to settle down or settle at all, the one who's always got someone but never with anyone... I have had something of a rockstar lifestyle and I have relished it. I think I am starting to get a bit worried about the transition into a partnership. I want one, who doesn't? But I am convinced that it has to be every bit as glittering as my past lives have been, with a lot of glamor and grace. Chaotic and catatonic, intuitive and alive!
I know that in reality settled relationships aren't traditionally this way. But it also bears noting that settled relationships don't have to be completely boring and lifeless, either. I think I have it like that in my head, though. So whenever things start slipping into a togetherness, into an us, into a sharing space, I think I might have the subconscious equivalent of a solid recoil. Because it's just so dreary, really.. to negotiate your hangups and neuroses against all of mine, no? I mean, yes. Totally. But right or wrong, true or false, this mindset isn't doing anything for my romantic life and chances at happily ever after. So how to shift? What to do, after awareness hits?
Mine: meet said romantic prospect - fall for them/they fall for me - we enter the itsy bitsy beginning stages of being together - a push or a tug along the way - then - explosive unrecoverable final kaput ending, before anything has really even gotten started.
Ok maybe I am being dramatic. Sometimes its not explosive. Really this sounds worse than it is. Still though, its also no picnic. It does make for good stories, if you like that sort of thing. Which I might. Secretly of course.
People (friends and cohorts, and even potential partners) will react to this pattern in a few different ways. They'll usually say - it must be that you're going after a certain kind of (bad) man - or - you just haven't met 'the one'. I often wonder why they always go to the guys, as if I'm completely devoid of any responsibility for this pattern, as if I have nothing to do with it. Now look, I don't have some kind of physical deformity, or any significant lack of intelligence or social grace. I don't mean to imply that I am a reject or otherwise undesirable, because frankly speaking, I'm not.
I think this tendency to look outside of the self is impulsive; a knee jerk reaction to absolving the self of the rather intensely uncomfortable process of looking at oneself squarely to understand what is and isn't working about our perspectives and behavior in and around our worlds. The easy answer, we're addicted to it culturally really... in order, its something like 1) the men you like are bad, 2) you are bad/wrong/a mess/etc, 3) you're looking too hard/want too much... you get it, right? Cliched variations of the same unproductive answers. Bleh. All these answers bore me really. And I don't think they are anywhere close to the truth.
Speaking of addiction and impulse, I think the real culprit here is comfort zone. Routine, the state of the world as you know it. And with me... I know that I have an attachment to independence and freedom, which has contributed to a long romantic life free of actual partnership/relationship. And while I think that I've significantly matured since the time when all this started, and while I recognize that a truly balanced partnership wouldn't threaten my freedom at all, I suspect that I am somewhat stuck in a single state of mind.
I think you can identify with this concept: The one with all the stories, romances and passing trysts, the one least likely to settle down or settle at all, the one who's always got someone but never with anyone... I have had something of a rockstar lifestyle and I have relished it. I think I am starting to get a bit worried about the transition into a partnership. I want one, who doesn't? But I am convinced that it has to be every bit as glittering as my past lives have been, with a lot of glamor and grace. Chaotic and catatonic, intuitive and alive!
I know that in reality settled relationships aren't traditionally this way. But it also bears noting that settled relationships don't have to be completely boring and lifeless, either. I think I have it like that in my head, though. So whenever things start slipping into a togetherness, into an us, into a sharing space, I think I might have the subconscious equivalent of a solid recoil. Because it's just so dreary, really.. to negotiate your hangups and neuroses against all of mine, no? I mean, yes. Totally. But right or wrong, true or false, this mindset isn't doing anything for my romantic life and chances at happily ever after. So how to shift? What to do, after awareness hits?
posted by sheloves at 9:57 AM
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