lost
i am lost.
today i'm here to try and find myself.
there is a part of me that knows, who i am, and what i am capable of. i have the power to do great things, and i'm letting that power succumb to some other part of myself, that wants nothing more than complete and utter failure. who am i? after 31 years of searching for myself, i am more lost today, than i have ever been. and i'm not sure why i'm letting the darkness that is within me win, over the light.
i am working currently to start a company, a design entity devoted to the idea that art exists in a myriad of forms. the idea is solid, and i have people on my team. its one of the things i've always wanted to do, it affords me a freedom that i've always yearned for, and an avenue to the success that i've always known was the cusp of my destiny on this planet. i've wasted time and myself away in various substances, men, the pursuit of love, really, anything other than what i know to be important. i turn circles in my mind searching for the truth, only to successfully put it away, in a dark room in the back of my mind and avoid that which is most important, out of fear. and its mildly ironic to notice that i have compromised my only real principles: namely, truth and courage, in my efforts to live them out. they told me and i know this to be true, that the only real measure in this life, is one based on results. according to the results, i am not living some kind of courageous existence. i am living a life of fear and dishonesty with myself.
if my conviction about the truth is on any level accurate, then i'm doing myself a great disservice by ignoring what i know to be true. ignoring the fact that i am choosing to be weak, ignoring the fact that i am choosing to fail. but i don't know how to tackle this. i don't know how to fight myself. how to right things from within, and how to be who i want to be. two of me or more exist, and i'm letting the bad guys win. i've been wasting away, wasting my talent, wasting my time, flailing in this deep, dark, pool of self doubt. i believe in strength and courage, and yet, when i find myself put to the test, i choose weakness and fear. looking this fact in the face, even for a minute, makes me feel very, very sick.
you've clawed out of worse than this before, he told me. he always says this when i find myself in darkness, and it has been some kind of light in those moments. i know also that he is part of what i need to let go of, and i haven't been strong enough to do it for some reason. the words come to me now, again, here. an echo in my mind. it shouldn't have to be this hard though, to do the right thing. and yet, over and over i'm faced with the fact that it is.
i am clear that i need to wage war on myself, from the inside out. but every time i try to face that fact, i'm confronted with a sludge of dirty mud, a tired heavy and cynical voice that is very convincing about how many times i've tried this before. there are great men and women in this world, many, many great men and women, and i'm not sure why i've made it part of my life's purpose to prove without a doubt, how absolutely i do not fit into that category. it is depressing to say the least. unfortunate. tragic. disgusting and pathetic.
what will it take to do what i know i need to do? the answers are everywhere, and are so simple and obvious. work hard. get enough sleep. exercise regularly. stop smoking pot. stop wasting so much time beating myself up, or second guessing my decisions. spend time and energy on things that matter. focus on areas and energies that nurture, not on things and spaces that force this knee jerk self destruct. let go of the past. focus on and create the future. be strong enough to separate the me that i want to be from the me that i've been. change, change, change what is not working. and still i am broken, and still i am driven mad, by my own deficiencies. instead of making things better, i have slowly and surely been making everything worse.
i must find the strength to do this. i must.
today i'm here to try and find myself.
there is a part of me that knows, who i am, and what i am capable of. i have the power to do great things, and i'm letting that power succumb to some other part of myself, that wants nothing more than complete and utter failure. who am i? after 31 years of searching for myself, i am more lost today, than i have ever been. and i'm not sure why i'm letting the darkness that is within me win, over the light.
i am working currently to start a company, a design entity devoted to the idea that art exists in a myriad of forms. the idea is solid, and i have people on my team. its one of the things i've always wanted to do, it affords me a freedom that i've always yearned for, and an avenue to the success that i've always known was the cusp of my destiny on this planet. i've wasted time and myself away in various substances, men, the pursuit of love, really, anything other than what i know to be important. i turn circles in my mind searching for the truth, only to successfully put it away, in a dark room in the back of my mind and avoid that which is most important, out of fear. and its mildly ironic to notice that i have compromised my only real principles: namely, truth and courage, in my efforts to live them out. they told me and i know this to be true, that the only real measure in this life, is one based on results. according to the results, i am not living some kind of courageous existence. i am living a life of fear and dishonesty with myself.
if my conviction about the truth is on any level accurate, then i'm doing myself a great disservice by ignoring what i know to be true. ignoring the fact that i am choosing to be weak, ignoring the fact that i am choosing to fail. but i don't know how to tackle this. i don't know how to fight myself. how to right things from within, and how to be who i want to be. two of me or more exist, and i'm letting the bad guys win. i've been wasting away, wasting my talent, wasting my time, flailing in this deep, dark, pool of self doubt. i believe in strength and courage, and yet, when i find myself put to the test, i choose weakness and fear. looking this fact in the face, even for a minute, makes me feel very, very sick.
you've clawed out of worse than this before, he told me. he always says this when i find myself in darkness, and it has been some kind of light in those moments. i know also that he is part of what i need to let go of, and i haven't been strong enough to do it for some reason. the words come to me now, again, here. an echo in my mind. it shouldn't have to be this hard though, to do the right thing. and yet, over and over i'm faced with the fact that it is.
i am clear that i need to wage war on myself, from the inside out. but every time i try to face that fact, i'm confronted with a sludge of dirty mud, a tired heavy and cynical voice that is very convincing about how many times i've tried this before. there are great men and women in this world, many, many great men and women, and i'm not sure why i've made it part of my life's purpose to prove without a doubt, how absolutely i do not fit into that category. it is depressing to say the least. unfortunate. tragic. disgusting and pathetic.
what will it take to do what i know i need to do? the answers are everywhere, and are so simple and obvious. work hard. get enough sleep. exercise regularly. stop smoking pot. stop wasting so much time beating myself up, or second guessing my decisions. spend time and energy on things that matter. focus on areas and energies that nurture, not on things and spaces that force this knee jerk self destruct. let go of the past. focus on and create the future. be strong enough to separate the me that i want to be from the me that i've been. change, change, change what is not working. and still i am broken, and still i am driven mad, by my own deficiencies. instead of making things better, i have slowly and surely been making everything worse.
i must find the strength to do this. i must.
posted by sheloves at 4:10 PM
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