On Monogamy
Ah, relationships. Love them or hate them, they don't care. They simply exist, leaving you both better and worse for wear.
So, the latest. I was recently first approached then enrolled into an open relationship. A new lover, someone to be there for me, someone to handle my body, someone that cares beyond the basics. It feels like the loveliest match yet. The catch? He simply doesn't believe in monogamy.
Yet, this isn't the part that makes me balk. Its the fact that this guy, has approached and me with more respect, commitment and care than any other guy in the last year or two. How is it that the non-monogamous has this much to offer, while the more traditional among you, don't? Instead flying out the window and running like a jackass at the first sign of anything out of the ordinary? Hello, I am not ordinary. I won't play cool if I like you, sorry. I won't laugh at the joke if its not funny, sorry. And I don't want to sleep with you right away! Sorry!
If I sound a bit jaded, sorry.
The other side to this coin: I am usually wrought with anxiety and over analytical madness every time something feels like its on the right track. This time, hardly at all, none. I am free to do as I please. And it pleases me to stay here, learn what I am meant to learn, enjoy it as it exists to be enjoyed. Flirt and entertain others, maybe, sure. The doors aren't closed, and they aren't trapping me in. I wonder a lot these days about what this means, what a stark difference I've experienced here compared to the past. For one of the first times, I'm finding myself happy to be in the relationship, wanting to carry and live it out to its highest potential, versus ceaseless worry and analyzation about whether he's good enough for me, or if I'm good enough for him. Something about this makes me wonder if this isn't the better way to go. For me, forever.
Relationships are about creating a sharing, a growing, a bettering. Should be, no? Instead, we're often oppressing, restricting, and obstructing each other. Trapping. Insisting. Etc.
The latest has this all finally making sense. To me. But in the context of others, its a touch concerning. Will this become the new world order? Or will those who understand things this way come to some kind of war of worlds with the more traditional and rote among us? How will this go over with my parents?
Who's to say? Not me. For now, I'm busy. Finally. Enjoying this relationship business. Free, of pressure, the way its supposed to be.
COMMENTS:
I'm not sure if that has to do with beeing traditional or not. In my opinion, it's more about realizing what you need to become happy. There are people who'd whither in a monogamous relationship, and others who are perfectly happy with one. I know quite some couples who are heavily into BDSM, for example, and still strictly monogamous, so that doesn't sound too traditional to me. :P
About the freedom: it depends on the character. For some people, monogamy gives them more freedom than polyamory. Whether one of the concepts restricts or traps you, or makes you feel free, is a personal opinion. So, I think there will be more polyamorous relationships in future, but I also think that it's not a better way of having a relationship, simply a different one.
I don't think there is a need to be sorry. Though, I understand politeness goes a long way it's wearisome to spoonfeed adults. 
hey i'm cool with it. if this dude sparks your interest go for it. if you're bothered by him banging multiple chics then there will be a problem. Sounds like fun. 
This hits really close to home for me. I have always been interested and believed in polyamory, but for the past two years I gave that up in order to be in a relationship with someone. This weekend, I hooked up with someone else, and that was the last nail in the coffin for that relationship. Looking back, it was wrought with anxiety and self-consciousness, mostly on his end. He was always worried that he was inadequate, and read my desires to be sexual with other people as signs that I was unhappy with the relationship and wanted to quit. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. I love him and loved spending time with him, we connected so well on so many things. It breaks my heart that I had to choose between my best friend and the lifestyle I've always known I wanted to live, but always repressed. It really feels like an impossible choice for me, and I wish that more people would understand that polyamory doesn't have to mean that you have to compromise on love and commitment. 
I spent about ten minutes looking for the 'Like' button on this thing, before realizing we're not on Facebook...
Partikel - thank you! lots of points really well made. Lily - sorry to hear about your recent relationship incongruity. Archeopteryx - fucking hilarious, thank you. Other points - does it bother me that he is banging multiple chicks? No. Not until you put it that way, which not only insults my pride but also indicates some of the bullshit that I might be up against in a world where people can only see things a certain way. The main aspect here is about learning and being together based on desire over obligatory contract or unspoken expectations. In the face of the honesty he's shown and respect he's expressed by doing so, as well as how he has recently contributed to my life, the value add is enormous. The relationship he's creating with me has been one of the loveliest I have ever experienced yet; it is based on attraction and desire and learning. Other relationships I've had were nice, but I felt almost like I was dragging myself through the mud to be ok with them, or in them. I don't come here to propose that this is the right thing for everyone, but assuming it is for me... the only thing I am worried a bit about is how to balance with the rest of the world, how to explain it, and how to shield comments from bothering me. "Banging multiple chicks" doesn't bother me at all if you're honest about it, other than the implication between the lines that I am less ...something than all those women who wouldn't put up with it. This is what bothers me the most I think. This attitude. 
hey storm, glad you sound free of your self-imposed hurdles! enjoy the connection, be safe, and you will grow so much with it. just follow your heart and keep your head, and be vigilant about honesty, can't be lazy or complacent. if its real you'll love working with it. the multiple chicks attitude is just ego talking, try and push that shit away and choose your own problems and overcome them. the ego is a cowardly enemy and we can't abide people who are its willing slave. at the same time you'll want to know if he can be fully honest and respectful. it would be nice if you can tell him what you're uncomfortable with and see if you can find comfort. i doubt this works half way, just like monogamy doesn't work half way, you gotta stay on the job. we are all different, and its up to us to forge our own path, you know that, its the same with sex and love, etc... every relationship is different and we have to let it be, we just get so little practice with honest, conscious people so we revert to what we learned in hi school and most of our friends have no real background to advise us. poly is still so new in our puritanical society, and there is no formula, but it has great pillars in honesty, communication, respect for self and others, and especially safe sex which means you really don't get what you want when you want it but you get to feel good about where you are and where you're trying to go. and that feeling is almost as good as sex, but it lasts, its love, its self love and its sharing and its infinite. poly is about love, its not about swinging, thats about sex. sex is awesome but poly holds love at the top. i have nothing against monogamists, i just haven't met many who aren't unhappy hypocrites or lonely idealists, i'm not judging them because i wish that weren't so. people would be so much happier all around us if it worked for more of us. i don't know for sure where i'm going, but i need to be free to find it for i-self, and the only advice i seek is positive, supportive and enlightening. i prey you have a good story to tell i soon! one~ nico 
I am sorry for the crappy monogamous men you have been with, but I would not classify or describe us all by your past experience.
I think the issue here isn't necessarily a war between the monogamous and the nonmonogamous.. I don't have anything against those who chose it, and actually have for a long while now bee wishing for someone to build something spectacular with me, that way. It's just that what I've noticed in *this* experience is that removing the expectation of ~forever~ and ~only~ has freed us up to enjoy each other without so much attention on the flaws and imperfections. I don't think that I've been with crappy monogamous men, but what I have seen is high standards, possibly unrealistic standards, on the part of the men I've dated and on my own part. I think the main thread here is an interesting comparison of the commitment to my life and body and heart and growth I have received in this relationship versus the cut and run I am so very much used to in traditional dating. I am wondering, is this a function of the guy I am with, or is it a function of the nature of polyamorus lifestyle? I don't know.
first, torpedo 1. your comment got me thinking coz it has a lot of clarity, even though it starts a bit defensive re. crappy men. so to keep this positive since your comment is helpful and you're obviously in touch, my first reaction was that so many men DO this, we are known to, but certainly not all and i am sure there are alot of truly monogomous and romantic men and the world would be a better place if there were more. that said, we're not all wired that way. and you're right, loyalty is about integrity, and whether or not you are honest has nothing to do with your being mono or poly. But you can in fact still feel special and not be number 1. i, in particular, am fully open to the fact that i may be better at NOT being number 1. if i'm lucky enough to have true poly relationships i will find out. maybe i'll be best at being number 2, 3, 4, or 5. maybe my chick needs to have higher girls, guys, or unicorns, and maybe i'll only want 1 chick and she'll be the poly! wouldn't that make me poly? i do know that when someone lets me feel special with others i bring that right back and feel extra special with that first someone, it can be a beautiful circle. love is one of the few things you get more of when you give it away. anyone who is with me will be with me coz they find me special, and that doesn't mean i have to be the beginning and end of the world to them. and someone else's special will compete for time, energy, etc... and make it more complicated, but it may not make it any less special. life is paradox, and it may make if more special. what i do care about is honesty, depth, and knowing where i stand so that i may thrive on a firm footing. i expect i can handle the rest. torpedoe 2 - hi storm! freedom is so fucking enlightening, especially when it travels with courage and truth! it leads us to who we truly are and it is the only way to find out. its the function of poly to lay out an open and unique framework for each and every person who takes this journey since we are ALL different. this guy is part of your journey and if he is a true partner you are blessed by the connection, the inspiration and the bold push fowad in a place where you can learn about you. one~ nico
STORM: Of course it is not a war. It is about love and feeling loved. That is what people want. It is about feeling appreciated, special, and that we matter. That we make a difference to someone. That is what matters in all relationships. Whether they be romantic, a friendship, or family.
I would think your wish for someone to build something spectacular with you is not going to go away. I can see it being diminished due to lack of success in finding it, and anyone feeling a sense of freedom in feeling a connection and not being lonely and sexually dissatisfied, but in the long run, I would predict that this feeling of being special and having something spectacular is going to come up.
I think there is a great lesson to be learned in not fretting over the imperfections or flaws and hope you might consider that this has been a major stumbling block in having your spectacular relationship. That the spectacular is more born in compatibility that is built on a foundation of love and acceptance. We are never going to be the same person intertwined in a romantic love. We are going to bring our differences.
I am glad you have not been with crappy men, that was just the vibe I got from your post. I completely agree with you that unrealistic standards to come into play in romantic relationships and not just yours, it is very common.
See when you say something like 'cut and run' it still makes me think your experience has been crappy. I think the sheer nature of 'cut and run' is crappy. I refuse to be that kind of person, because of my disdain for the behavior. I value commitment to people even if it only means friendship. I value selflessness over the pursuit of selfish desires.
I am glad this is bringing much introspection for you. I certainly hope it bring an enlightenment that helps you achieve the growth you want and need to get to a stage in life that brings you happiness and contentment.
BROWNSTONE: If my comment helped you in any way, that is cool. I am with you that there is no cut-and-dried formula to happiness in our pursuit of romance and affection. The way you stated what you did, makes me think we might (as a society) be on our way to women having multiple husbands. (I for one am against legislating consenting adult relationships, so I take no issue with adults that agree to be in a polygamist arrangement). I hope that you find what works for you and makes you happy and content with life, as well.
I had a personal experience with this. I was married. My wife and I agreed to see if sleeping with other people would be fun, as we knew we were committed to each other and would not choose someone else over each other. Well, I travelled for a living at the time and had carte blanche to sleep with whomever I wanted. I never did. I only thought of her, I had zero attraction to any other women. Given the freedom I found I was monogamous, completely. Hey torpedo - Yes my experience has been for the most part, crappy. My experience with men that were interested in monogamy and I wasn't as much so. Similarly, I don't want another lover when I already have one that is for the most part satiating. I do like having the open option though. I don't know what I think about most of this. I can see all the different sides of it. I'd like someone to be special to me and I to him, with maybe some kind of loose monogamy? I don't know. Maybe I've just been talked into something with someone, and like you said above, that I'm happy with in comparison to the lack of spectacular I've had for a while? Not sure. Life is almost never really all that clear. No it is never clear. Everything we choose has inherent risk and potential consequences. So it isn't easy by any means.
As someone who has been poly/open for about 12 years and now taking a step back from it, I understand the quandary you feel. I find myself questioning it a lot lately. I know that have the capacity to love all my friends and those close to me. I also find that at the moment that if I find the one person that I click with on all cylinders, do I need to explore other relationships......or as you say, do you just want to have the option, and not necessarily go through with it (which I think you imply, but never state). I think every relationship is organic and isn't (or, to me, shouldn't) be rigid and open for development. I think that communication is what makes the relationship work over time, and if two people can discuss something as radical as being open or poly and not freak out about it, then to me I feel that at least our ideas and thoughts are being respected and the possibilities to what's available is endless. 
I think if a woman has many components of her life, other goals, other wants and needs, aside from a committed relationship, she would be able to keep an open relationship with someone she is interested in--without pressing the commitment issue. Other people may perceive her as a push over because she is letting the man get away with something. But the role of women and men was created long ago and it is running it's course. People are still uncomfortable when women and men defy the roles that were created early on. It may be the case that a woman is being a push over because she does want something more. But what about a woman who is enjoying the relationship, as is, without any pressure about commitment. Why does a woman have to want something more? Biology doesn't say that, it's social norms. right on. the open option does not have to be exercised to be fulfilling. i have often been unmotivated to use my freedom, but just having it made the love that much deeper i felt for the freedom giver. if you use the freedom wantonly you are prolly more of a swinger focused on the physical sex acts and less of a poly/open sort focused on the love. one~ nico
So, the latest. I was recently first approached then enrolled into an open relationship. A new lover, someone to be there for me, someone to handle my body, someone that cares beyond the basics. It feels like the loveliest match yet. The catch? He simply doesn't believe in monogamy.
Yet, this isn't the part that makes me balk. Its the fact that this guy, has approached and me with more respect, commitment and care than any other guy in the last year or two. How is it that the non-monogamous has this much to offer, while the more traditional among you, don't? Instead flying out the window and running like a jackass at the first sign of anything out of the ordinary? Hello, I am not ordinary. I won't play cool if I like you, sorry. I won't laugh at the joke if its not funny, sorry. And I don't want to sleep with you right away! Sorry!
If I sound a bit jaded, sorry.
The other side to this coin: I am usually wrought with anxiety and over analytical madness every time something feels like its on the right track. This time, hardly at all, none. I am free to do as I please. And it pleases me to stay here, learn what I am meant to learn, enjoy it as it exists to be enjoyed. Flirt and entertain others, maybe, sure. The doors aren't closed, and they aren't trapping me in. I wonder a lot these days about what this means, what a stark difference I've experienced here compared to the past. For one of the first times, I'm finding myself happy to be in the relationship, wanting to carry and live it out to its highest potential, versus ceaseless worry and analyzation about whether he's good enough for me, or if I'm good enough for him. Something about this makes me wonder if this isn't the better way to go. For me, forever.
Relationships are about creating a sharing, a growing, a bettering. Should be, no? Instead, we're often oppressing, restricting, and obstructing each other. Trapping. Insisting. Etc.
The latest has this all finally making sense. To me. But in the context of others, its a touch concerning. Will this become the new world order? Or will those who understand things this way come to some kind of war of worlds with the more traditional and rote among us? How will this go over with my parents?
Who's to say? Not me. For now, I'm busy. Finally. Enjoying this relationship business. Free, of pressure, the way its supposed to be.
COMMENTS:
I'm not sure if that has to do with beeing traditional or not. In my opinion, it's more about realizing what you need to become happy. There are people who'd whither in a monogamous relationship, and others who are perfectly happy with one. I know quite some couples who are heavily into BDSM, for example, and still strictly monogamous, so that doesn't sound too traditional to me. :P
About the freedom: it depends on the character. For some people, monogamy gives them more freedom than polyamory. Whether one of the concepts restricts or traps you, or makes you feel free, is a personal opinion. So, I think there will be more polyamorous relationships in future, but I also think that it's not a better way of having a relationship, simply a different one.
Partikel commented on Feb 21
I don't think there is a need to be sorry. Though, I understand politeness goes a long way it's wearisome to spoonfeed adults. bleucause commented on Feb 21
hey i'm cool with it. if this dude sparks your interest go for it. if you're bothered by him banging multiple chics then there will be a problem. Sounds like fun. still_laffing commented on Feb 21
This hits really close to home for me. I have always been interested and believed in polyamory, but for the past two years I gave that up in order to be in a relationship with someone. This weekend, I hooked up with someone else, and that was the last nail in the coffin for that relationship. Looking back, it was wrought with anxiety and self-consciousness, mostly on his end. He was always worried that he was inadequate, and read my desires to be sexual with other people as signs that I was unhappy with the relationship and wanted to quit. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. I love him and loved spending time with him, we connected so well on so many things. It breaks my heart that I had to choose between my best friend and the lifestyle I've always known I wanted to live, but always repressed. It really feels like an impossible choice for me, and I wish that more people would understand that polyamory doesn't have to mean that you have to compromise on love and commitment. LilyBLK commented on Feb 21
I spent about ten minutes looking for the 'Like' button on this thing, before realizing we're not on Facebook... archeopteryx commented on Feb 22
Partikel - thank you! lots of points really well made. Lily - sorry to hear about your recent relationship incongruity. Archeopteryx - fucking hilarious, thank you. Other points - does it bother me that he is banging multiple chicks? No. Not until you put it that way, which not only insults my pride but also indicates some of the bullshit that I might be up against in a world where people can only see things a certain way. The main aspect here is about learning and being together based on desire over obligatory contract or unspoken expectations. In the face of the honesty he's shown and respect he's expressed by doing so, as well as how he has recently contributed to my life, the value add is enormous. The relationship he's creating with me has been one of the loveliest I have ever experienced yet; it is based on attraction and desire and learning. Other relationships I've had were nice, but I felt almost like I was dragging myself through the mud to be ok with them, or in them. I don't come here to propose that this is the right thing for everyone, but assuming it is for me... the only thing I am worried a bit about is how to balance with the rest of the world, how to explain it, and how to shield comments from bothering me. "Banging multiple chicks" doesn't bother me at all if you're honest about it, other than the implication between the lines that I am less ...something than all those women who wouldn't put up with it. This is what bothers me the most I think. This attitude. stormscavenger commented on Feb 22
hey storm, glad you sound free of your self-imposed hurdles! enjoy the connection, be safe, and you will grow so much with it. just follow your heart and keep your head, and be vigilant about honesty, can't be lazy or complacent. if its real you'll love working with it. the multiple chicks attitude is just ego talking, try and push that shit away and choose your own problems and overcome them. the ego is a cowardly enemy and we can't abide people who are its willing slave. at the same time you'll want to know if he can be fully honest and respectful. it would be nice if you can tell him what you're uncomfortable with and see if you can find comfort. i doubt this works half way, just like monogamy doesn't work half way, you gotta stay on the job. we are all different, and its up to us to forge our own path, you know that, its the same with sex and love, etc... every relationship is different and we have to let it be, we just get so little practice with honest, conscious people so we revert to what we learned in hi school and most of our friends have no real background to advise us. poly is still so new in our puritanical society, and there is no formula, but it has great pillars in honesty, communication, respect for self and others, and especially safe sex which means you really don't get what you want when you want it but you get to feel good about where you are and where you're trying to go. and that feeling is almost as good as sex, but it lasts, its love, its self love and its sharing and its infinite. poly is about love, its not about swinging, thats about sex. sex is awesome but poly holds love at the top. i have nothing against monogamists, i just haven't met many who aren't unhappy hypocrites or lonely idealists, i'm not judging them because i wish that weren't so. people would be so much happier all around us if it worked for more of us. i don't know for sure where i'm going, but i need to be free to find it for i-self, and the only advice i seek is positive, supportive and enlightening. i prey you have a good story to tell i soon! one~ nico brownstone89 commented on Feb 23
I am sorry for the crappy monogamous men you have been with, but I would not classify or describe us all by your past experience.I don't see how you can possibly trust a loyalty from him that you can't get from a man committed to monogamy. I figure the difference is in that in this relationship you have removed that expectation. You don't care about it, but you will. You will when he leaves you. You will when he chooses another woman to be his main connection and puts you on the back burner. I don't care what relationship someone is in, they are going to want to be special to someone. Absent this feeling of being special to them, the relationship sours. Relationships don't last 50 years or something when one feels secondary to others.
Just recognize the number one reason people cheat. It isn't for the sex it is because someone else makes them feel special and their spouse is no longer doing that. Sure some of these people are borderline narcissistic in their need to be made to feel special, but the main reason remains.
Just recognize the number one reason people cheat. It isn't for the sex it is because someone else makes them feel special and their spouse is no longer doing that. Sure some of these people are borderline narcissistic in their need to be made to feel special, but the main reason remains.
Torpedo7 commented on Feb 24
I think the issue here isn't necessarily a war between the monogamous and the nonmonogamous.. I don't have anything against those who chose it, and actually have for a long while now bee wishing for someone to build something spectacular with me, that way. It's just that what I've noticed in *this* experience is that removing the expectation of ~forever~ and ~only~ has freed us up to enjoy each other without so much attention on the flaws and imperfections. I don't think that I've been with crappy monogamous men, but what I have seen is high standards, possibly unrealistic standards, on the part of the men I've dated and on my own part. I think the main thread here is an interesting comparison of the commitment to my life and body and heart and growth I have received in this relationship versus the cut and run I am so very much used to in traditional dating. I am wondering, is this a function of the guy I am with, or is it a function of the nature of polyamorus lifestyle? I don't know. stormscavenger commented on Feb 23
first, torpedo 1. your comment got me thinking coz it has a lot of clarity, even though it starts a bit defensive re. crappy men. so to keep this positive since your comment is helpful and you're obviously in touch, my first reaction was that so many men DO this, we are known to, but certainly not all and i am sure there are alot of truly monogomous and romantic men and the world would be a better place if there were more. that said, we're not all wired that way. and you're right, loyalty is about integrity, and whether or not you are honest has nothing to do with your being mono or poly. But you can in fact still feel special and not be number 1. i, in particular, am fully open to the fact that i may be better at NOT being number 1. if i'm lucky enough to have true poly relationships i will find out. maybe i'll be best at being number 2, 3, 4, or 5. maybe my chick needs to have higher girls, guys, or unicorns, and maybe i'll only want 1 chick and she'll be the poly! wouldn't that make me poly? i do know that when someone lets me feel special with others i bring that right back and feel extra special with that first someone, it can be a beautiful circle. love is one of the few things you get more of when you give it away. anyone who is with me will be with me coz they find me special, and that doesn't mean i have to be the beginning and end of the world to them. and someone else's special will compete for time, energy, etc... and make it more complicated, but it may not make it any less special. life is paradox, and it may make if more special. what i do care about is honesty, depth, and knowing where i stand so that i may thrive on a firm footing. i expect i can handle the rest. torpedoe 2 - hi storm! freedom is so fucking enlightening, especially when it travels with courage and truth! it leads us to who we truly are and it is the only way to find out. its the function of poly to lay out an open and unique framework for each and every person who takes this journey since we are ALL different. this guy is part of your journey and if he is a true partner you are blessed by the connection, the inspiration and the bold push fowad in a place where you can learn about you. one~ nico brownstone89 commented on Feb 24
STORM: Of course it is not a war. It is about love and feeling loved. That is what people want. It is about feeling appreciated, special, and that we matter. That we make a difference to someone. That is what matters in all relationships. Whether they be romantic, a friendship, or family.I would think your wish for someone to build something spectacular with you is not going to go away. I can see it being diminished due to lack of success in finding it, and anyone feeling a sense of freedom in feeling a connection and not being lonely and sexually dissatisfied, but in the long run, I would predict that this feeling of being special and having something spectacular is going to come up.
I think there is a great lesson to be learned in not fretting over the imperfections or flaws and hope you might consider that this has been a major stumbling block in having your spectacular relationship. That the spectacular is more born in compatibility that is built on a foundation of love and acceptance. We are never going to be the same person intertwined in a romantic love. We are going to bring our differences.
I am glad you have not been with crappy men, that was just the vibe I got from your post. I completely agree with you that unrealistic standards to come into play in romantic relationships and not just yours, it is very common.
See when you say something like 'cut and run' it still makes me think your experience has been crappy. I think the sheer nature of 'cut and run' is crappy. I refuse to be that kind of person, because of my disdain for the behavior. I value commitment to people even if it only means friendship. I value selflessness over the pursuit of selfish desires.
I am glad this is bringing much introspection for you. I certainly hope it bring an enlightenment that helps you achieve the growth you want and need to get to a stage in life that brings you happiness and contentment.
BROWNSTONE: If my comment helped you in any way, that is cool. I am with you that there is no cut-and-dried formula to happiness in our pursuit of romance and affection. The way you stated what you did, makes me think we might (as a society) be on our way to women having multiple husbands. (I for one am against legislating consenting adult relationships, so I take no issue with adults that agree to be in a polygamist arrangement). I hope that you find what works for you and makes you happy and content with life, as well.
I had a personal experience with this. I was married. My wife and I agreed to see if sleeping with other people would be fun, as we knew we were committed to each other and would not choose someone else over each other. Well, I travelled for a living at the time and had carte blanche to sleep with whomever I wanted. I never did. I only thought of her, I had zero attraction to any other women. Given the freedom I found I was monogamous, completely.
Torpedo7 commented on Feb 24
Hey torpedo - Yes my experience has been for the most part, crappy. My experience with men that were interested in monogamy and I wasn't as much so. Similarly, I don't want another lover when I already have one that is for the most part satiating. I do like having the open option though. I don't know what I think about most of this. I can see all the different sides of it. I'd like someone to be special to me and I to him, with maybe some kind of loose monogamy? I don't know. Maybe I've just been talked into something with someone, and like you said above, that I'm happy with in comparison to the lack of spectacular I've had for a while? Not sure. Life is almost never really all that clear. stormscavenger commented on Feb 25
No it is never clear. Everything we choose has inherent risk and potential consequences. So it isn't easy by any means.The way you stated how you feel there seems to be an interesting dichotomy. Correct me if I am wrong of course, but it sounds like the monogamous men you have been with were not quite satisfying sexually, so you had this inner desire to be satisfied by someone else. Now you have the open option, but this lover satiates you sexually and consequently you have no desire to seek this satisfaction elsewhere. Possibly what all that means is if you find the best lover of your life (your dream of something spectacular) you won't necessarily be monogamous by definition (meaning committed by promise to them to never sleep with another man) but will in reality by not having any desire to sleep with another man.
As I stated about my marriage. At the time I was sure I would take an opportunity (given the freedom) to sleep with other women, but I just never pursued it. Our sex life was very satisfying and with my deep love for her I really had no desire for meaningless sex with someone else.
Maybe what would make you most completely happy is that special relationship with one man, where you both were free to sleep with someone else as long as you both were completely honest with each other about it if it ever did happen. Just having the freedom may be all you need to feel monogamous. The restrictive nature of the concept may be what makes you feel like it isn't for you. Like the choice to be that way is more important than it being an obligation. Maybe men that exhibit jealousy and possessiveness is what really drives you crazy, and if you found a monogamous lover that showed no signs of jealousy and possessiveness, he would be the kind of man you need.
As I stated about my marriage. At the time I was sure I would take an opportunity (given the freedom) to sleep with other women, but I just never pursued it. Our sex life was very satisfying and with my deep love for her I really had no desire for meaningless sex with someone else.
Maybe what would make you most completely happy is that special relationship with one man, where you both were free to sleep with someone else as long as you both were completely honest with each other about it if it ever did happen. Just having the freedom may be all you need to feel monogamous. The restrictive nature of the concept may be what makes you feel like it isn't for you. Like the choice to be that way is more important than it being an obligation. Maybe men that exhibit jealousy and possessiveness is what really drives you crazy, and if you found a monogamous lover that showed no signs of jealousy and possessiveness, he would be the kind of man you need.
Torpedo7 commented on Feb 25
As someone who has been poly/open for about 12 years and now taking a step back from it, I understand the quandary you feel. I find myself questioning it a lot lately. I know that have the capacity to love all my friends and those close to me. I also find that at the moment that if I find the one person that I click with on all cylinders, do I need to explore other relationships......or as you say, do you just want to have the option, and not necessarily go through with it (which I think you imply, but never state). I think every relationship is organic and isn't (or, to me, shouldn't) be rigid and open for development. I think that communication is what makes the relationship work over time, and if two people can discuss something as radical as being open or poly and not freak out about it, then to me I feel that at least our ideas and thoughts are being respected and the possibilities to what's available is endless. Smear000 commented on Feb 26
I think if a woman has many components of her life, other goals, other wants and needs, aside from a committed relationship, she would be able to keep an open relationship with someone she is interested in--without pressing the commitment issue. Other people may perceive her as a push over because she is letting the man get away with something. But the role of women and men was created long ago and it is running it's course. People are still uncomfortable when women and men defy the roles that were created early on. It may be the case that a woman is being a push over because she does want something more. But what about a woman who is enjoying the relationship, as is, without any pressure about commitment. Why does a woman have to want something more? Biology doesn't say that, it's social norms. netsirkw commented on Feb 26
right on. the open option does not have to be exercised to be fulfilling. i have often been unmotivated to use my freedom, but just having it made the love that much deeper i felt for the freedom giver. if you use the freedom wantonly you are prolly more of a swinger focused on the physical sex acts and less of a poly/open sort focused on the love. one~ nico brownstone89 commented on Mar 1
posted by sheloves at 10:30 AM
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