Loneliness
The year is now 2011. The years continue to melt away... 2001, the year of prague, 2006 the year of beach parties and costumes, 2007 the year my leg broke, 2008 the year of boyfriend healing, 2009 a year of sorrow... all surely fading into the light and distant memory versions of themselves. I've brought myself to New York, a city with more people than I've ever seen at once, more people on any given day than the combined bodies I'd ever see in a week or a month in North Carolina or even in Our Nation's Capitol, DC. And for the first time in my life, I am vividly lonely.
Even typing those words springs immediate tears into the edges of my eyes. I've never understood how people can get lonely, no matter where I've ever been there have always been warm hearts surrounding me. It didn't take even 6 months to find my feet in DC and yet here its been 10 months to the day already since I've come here and I have an experience of New York that is nothing short of frigid. I know New York is a hard city, but I didn't expect this.
I came here because I wanted to be challenged. I came because I saw a million people just like me. But how does this work... where the more people that are around a person, the lonelier and more withdrawn one feels? I am not here to complain, just to express it.. express it up and out of my heart, express to uncover the inner exuberance that lives just behind this big brick wall of sorrow and heart tightness. To release how hard this winter has been on my soul, how close to the surface I feel this searing strange pain. It's totally unlike all the other versions of sadness (many) I've experienced to this point. I'm trying to find the words for the desperate clawing void that fills my mind and my torso with such sudden tsunami strength. There aren't any that adequately capture it. But it is always there lately and sometimes at the smallest provocation it utterly consumes me. How am I supposed to connect with anyone with the inside of my body twisted up in such a seriously saddened state? How can I take a Lysol cleanup wipe to the inside of my heart, to the landscape of my mind? Where is the sun? Why won't the weather give us a fucking break? I think that would help, at least just a little.
Listen, its not the end of the world. I don't want to leave. I came here for a reason, and I suppose this is part of it. To learn how to toughen up, from the inside out. To learn how to keep walking, to keep moving, to keep trying, to keep reaching. I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that its not a permanent state despite how encompassing it feels sometimes. Maybe its an invitation to get busy. Maybe that's why everyone here is so busy all the time... to stave off the loneliness. To keep it at bay. But I've learned from the masters... that the only way out is through. Another one of my trials and self imposed tribulations. We who are so in love with suffering, we who come to New York and love it despite all of this... madness and sadness and badness.
So, like I said 10 months ago, full of anticipation and trepidation, I'll say again - this time with many battles behind me and many demons conquered but many more left to tackle... Welcome to New York.
Even typing those words springs immediate tears into the edges of my eyes. I've never understood how people can get lonely, no matter where I've ever been there have always been warm hearts surrounding me. It didn't take even 6 months to find my feet in DC and yet here its been 10 months to the day already since I've come here and I have an experience of New York that is nothing short of frigid. I know New York is a hard city, but I didn't expect this.
I came here because I wanted to be challenged. I came because I saw a million people just like me. But how does this work... where the more people that are around a person, the lonelier and more withdrawn one feels? I am not here to complain, just to express it.. express it up and out of my heart, express to uncover the inner exuberance that lives just behind this big brick wall of sorrow and heart tightness. To release how hard this winter has been on my soul, how close to the surface I feel this searing strange pain. It's totally unlike all the other versions of sadness (many) I've experienced to this point. I'm trying to find the words for the desperate clawing void that fills my mind and my torso with such sudden tsunami strength. There aren't any that adequately capture it. But it is always there lately and sometimes at the smallest provocation it utterly consumes me. How am I supposed to connect with anyone with the inside of my body twisted up in such a seriously saddened state? How can I take a Lysol cleanup wipe to the inside of my heart, to the landscape of my mind? Where is the sun? Why won't the weather give us a fucking break? I think that would help, at least just a little.
Listen, its not the end of the world. I don't want to leave. I came here for a reason, and I suppose this is part of it. To learn how to toughen up, from the inside out. To learn how to keep walking, to keep moving, to keep trying, to keep reaching. I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that its not a permanent state despite how encompassing it feels sometimes. Maybe its an invitation to get busy. Maybe that's why everyone here is so busy all the time... to stave off the loneliness. To keep it at bay. But I've learned from the masters... that the only way out is through. Another one of my trials and self imposed tribulations. We who are so in love with suffering, we who come to New York and love it despite all of this... madness and sadness and badness.
So, like I said 10 months ago, full of anticipation and trepidation, I'll say again - this time with many battles behind me and many demons conquered but many more left to tackle... Welcome to New York.
posted by sheloves at 1:38 PM
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