her

who is she.

felt like me, familiar. evolving. full of love, eager, and disarming. welcome in, i had her here, in everything. bam it hit me, couldnt make more sense. her for him shh don't tell anyone! if you get too excited, they'll think you're weird. be still, suggest. a greater good. a total match. friend to friend...

rival suspect inconsistant, inappropriate. defiant, unapologetic, and now with my Great Love. i take it back. shit, i take it back. cant take it back. can't. done. out of your (hands) dont respect the hand that feeds you, who the fuck do you think i am, fight, impulse, physical sickness at the idea, that he could, that she would, this intense and strange feeling of betrayal. all, completely unreasonable. based on nothing of substance. and yet mind body and soul encompassing. we've never suffered so hard, cried so much, hurt so definately. not for naught. and wait, is this what they mean when they say i can be a little dramatic? but holy fuck man. who are you anyway. enemy.

one hundred and eighty degrees like a snap. SNAP!
just like that. its like, of course i know that i have no reason to be upset. no real valid reason based on what i setup. but. its like there is a metro coursing through my body leaving this weird, wild searing pain. khhhhhhhh. fire ouch.

we went high tonight. grown tired. now
we fall. to be continued.

ex-love

stomach aches in matters of the heart. loving those that comfort, refusing to let go of the rocks of life even while we sit on them. he was awkward, he didn’t turn me on. i’ve convinced myself that i love him now because i’ve lost him. but i do love him. he’s beautiful. he’s been my soul. why now. why now. i’m acting out of control... i must let go. reaction to weakness. can we transcend it all, can we conjoin in the pockets between forever, can we be love even while we are apart, doesn’t all of this mean i want him, is it my ego... the ever loving survival machine that won’t let me set him free, because i’m worried about dying without him. but elizabeth, remember elizabeth? she didn’t depend on anyone else for her happiness. and ansu wouldn’t want me to be like this, so weak, so reactive, so out of control, so indignant and capriciously hogging up his time, his life... can i learn from it. what a good love is like. can i grow from it, remembering how well he elevated me, staying elevated as a result. can i be bigger than my insecurities of getting someone new.. falling back on him as if there will never be another lover like that.. can i accept and return the love when i come to a place like this again. i need time. i dont take it but i need that time, let me be strong. please allow me to be strong enough to be my self my strong confident self. i am a confident responsible authentic woman, and this means that i can take ownership of my feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and possessiveness, understanding them for what they are, friend sabotaging machines, designed to make me small, as small as i feel not as big as he sees me. he would and does expect more from me. he does expect more, i don’t want to play such a small game, letting my feelings run me out of the best friend i’ve ever had...

what do you want.
what do you want
what do you want.
you sound like you’re confused about what you want
so what do you want. you wanna be a crack head like this?

get out of your head and focus. on other things. so smart these girls. be like them.
focus on life and work. keep the details of this mess inside, let it stew and decide what you want.

its gonna be fine.
at the center of your being
you know who you are and you know what you want.