the scotch is empty

the scotch is empty
and you've stayed so far away
that i can hardly believe you exist

or ever existed.

the letter i sent i wrote back in february.
i never sent it. never wanted to
but somehow one late night
i read it and accidentally
somehow hit send

as i tried to go back to the main messages.

i wondered if it was divine intervention.
something big. something.

something.
that said you were meant to get it.

there was something in my mind. you had come back
to my mental space. i felt you. and felt *sure* that it
would be anytime now.

but i really need to face the facts, huh?
you left, without saying goodbye
and are never coming back.
its this crazy fantasy.
you.

my heart froze when you left. it just
iced.

and there have been a lot of guys that have come through
my space. i have nothing for them
i mean, nothing.

and your reasons were enough. i got it. id wait.
and i have. ive been really seriously agonizingly
waiting for you.

but its all a fantasy.
you don't know how to call someone back
you can't respond to an incredible gesture of vulnerability
you don't know how to be a man and just
say goodbye.

i don't know what your problem is
but i just know i have to move on.
i thought to wait a year.

like you said. a year from now.

thats only four months away. its already been eight.
but the bottle of scotch is gone.
and you have proven your worth
time and time again.

i want to just let you go.
get you gone.

and the only thing i can think of is a conversation.
to see you one last time
to talk to you and hear what you might have to say to me
if anything at all.

i have no explaination for the way you touched me
i wish it hadn't happened. i can't define it, or make sense of this.
ive written you more. other things.
for a long time id talk to you in my mind.
then for a longer time i let you go. to heal to work it out
and then it was back. this pulsing for you.
my mind my body and my soul.

the letter i sent still felt the same. i still felt the same,
after so many months. it was insane.
you and i had something in another life
and in this one, we won't.

thats what i need to come to grips with
there is no waiting.
no friendship.
no hanging
and just seeing what will happen.

no.
youre dead to me.

remember when i was talking about love?
thanks. through you i got it. what it felt like
to have and then lose, before it ever got started.

if you have a shred of decency
you'll respond to this note.
you'll sit the fuck down and talk to me.
i mean tell me the real deal.

ive invested so much energy in the idea of you
in the dream of you
and im not stupid.

i don't like to think that all of this effort
has been a big waste of time.
but after a while, reality
really starts to get in the way
of keeping the flame alive

is your mother dead yet?
are you divorced yet?
business handled yet?
have you gone under yet?

jesus nitzan.
who the fuck are you
and who have i been waiting for?
i never cared if you were perfect.
i believed in you.

theres only so much neglect
a girl can take. all your pain, everything
nothing fazed me. your crap. your shit.
i had the strength of 20 horses for you.
and this is what i have to show for it.

a stupid letter/poem in my yahoo drafts
detailing how badly i need to let you go.

did the other girls write like this?
are you on a rampage, revenge against the female sex?
have you gotten 2 or 3 more fucked up since you left me?

this has gone on far too long.
in six months, ive gotten one email, and one phone call.
just enough to keep me hooked on you.
ive kept my anger at bay. ive died many times
ive seduced men heartlessly. ive grown cold.
ive prayed for you. ive dreamt of you.

ive thought long and hard on you.

and like i said. all i can think of is a conversation.
something face to fucking face
where you do me the honor
of setting me free. look me in the eye and say good bye.

otherwise i'll lose all respect for you. the little bit that
i have been holding on to, will dissapate. poof.
into a tiny black ball in the center of my heart
hating you
forever.

if i could write you

Dee sheykhe shahr baa cheraagh hami gasht gerde shahr,
kaz div o dad maloolamo ensaanam arezoost,
goftand yaft minashavad, gashteim ma,
goft ank yaaft minashavad, aanam arezoost.

its an uncanny experience when you have so much to say to a person that you have no idea where to start. there is no start, no beginning, no end. its just a feeeling, palpable continuum that you hope will continue, if only to have the pleasure of experiencing it, no matter what it brings.

ive been meditating. on pain. my utter lack of it in the face of your abundance. there must be so much pain. i sometimes i imagine i can feel you bleeding. i suppose thats another way of saying i think of you from time to time.

not sure why, but every time i think of you, my soul sings. it sings emphatically, it sings mournfully, it sings angrily, it sings hopefully.. something about this phenomenon, this reaction, this stirring excites me. it makes me think that there is a reason that i am here, looking at you, that there is a purpose that still hasn't made itself evident, but that has brought the two of us together. for no one can dispute that this is a union of the heavens. timing not withstanding, i have never met a man like you.

this isn't about sugar coating or ignoring what is between us reality and us ideally; between you and and your ability to even handle a woman like me right now. there is a messy stinking pile of laundry that i know you need to handle. please, by all means, handle it.

but for the love of god, do not be a coward. i see you try to shield me from your chaos, and for all your good intentions, you are also hiding behind a protective barrier against your own freedom, your own salvation. in your fear of hurting others, only thinly veiling your fear of allowing yourself to get hurt, you hide behind the curtain that all people eventually want to run to, the curtain call on love.

to refuse love is the worst sin of all. and in its apparent safety, your soul disinegrates, for only after the opportunity has been forsaken do we ever really understand the magnitude of our loss. the timing, too bad, what a pity. if only..

oh, what a terrible tragedy.

sometimes, when i think of you, this is how i feel.
a small helpless sigh at the tragedy of it all.

if i could cut to the chase, i would look you in the eye and challenge you to a duel. i would dare you to drown in me, i would throw everything i had at you. i would scream at you to get up off the floor and fight, back against the wall fight, to gather your energy and for the love of god fight.

we reach for others for a reason, and out hands stretch towards the right people. rather than already count all the reasons for why not, why not think about why in the first place. we will always have reasons for why not. but it is only in "why" that anything matters.

when i look at you, i see a beautiful spiritual journey.
and sometimes, that is all i need or want to see.

i dont know anything about marriage. or kids. or business. or revenge, or alimony, or divorce. i like that. i like the way i search my soul with every new event that i observe, the unfolding of my heart with every day that passes, and the general sense of comfort i experience in spending time with my family and people that are dear to me.

clean.
my clean to your messy.

i have never encountered anyone so messy. you are mud and dirt and crap slung in every direction, you are a complete mess. i am often completely exasperated when i look at you, i don't know what to say or do to have you emerge. to help you open your eyes again. to have you come back to life again.

but i do believe that you wouldn't have the problems you have right now if you couldn't handle it. you must not let this break you. i know that it is threatening to, but i know that it won't. not if you don't let it.

you have racked up some serious karma, and this must be your your punishment. take it like a man. whatever it was, whatever happened, acknowledge it, and understand a new way of seeing life. repent, accept your mortality and die symbolically, then come back to life. it is the only way to get through this. and the only way out is through.

i know you know i have my eye on you. i see you in my dreams. you've infected my blood, and i can't get you out. its like a disease. i think sometimes that i can either allow myself to sit around and have it disinegrate me, or i can fight for what i see as possible. for what people spend lifetimes looking for. for true unconditional acceptance. i see all your shit. believe me i see it. it scares me as much as it scares you. but as i have said before, you, your soul, your mind your spirit, all these as well have i also seen. and you, as you are... shine far brighter for me than all the piles of crap you could ever accumulate to sheild yourself from a life full of love, a life worth living.

your smile lives in your soul, janam. always has and always will. i can help bring it out, i can help open the shut gates, but you need to want me to help. otherwise, my hands are bound. and there is nothing i can do.

except sit here and mourn another lost possibility. mourn another great tidal wave of passion that soared by, over my head, just another finely constructed sand casle that slipped through my fingers, all because of stupid circumstance. but i dont want to buy bullshit reasons for not having the life that i want. all the external details, all the circumstances in the world, all the bad timings, to me cannot measure up to possibility when i see it. forgive me for seeing it in you. forgive me for placing my heart out like this, i am still young, and i don't know any better.

i still want to fight for the essence of true spiritual communion. i still want to fight for ultimate soulful connection. i still want to fight for passion. i still want to fight for love.

i am sorry nitzan. maybe soon, hopefully, someone will come and be able to turn my face away from you. god knows there are many who keep trying. my heart feels for them. it weeps for you. and for me, it just stands still.. holding its breath, afraid to see the day pass, and impatient all at once. yes. my heart just holds its breath, afraid to live, and afraid to die, afraid that everything it hopes for is just a fantasy, and that everything it believes is a lie.

i will wait for you as long as i can possibly stand it. i have often surprised myself in the past; i have amazing endurance. but if i wait, and wait, and wait and all this time you have already let me go.. if all this time, you do not want me at all, after all...

then i suppose i'll learn a good lesson, and I am sure you'll get it all back. like you're getting it back now. i believe you are a good man, but not an innocent one. please be careful of the fires that you spark nitzan.

they will often come back to bite you.