the scotch is empty

the scotch is empty
and you've stayed so far away
that i can hardly believe you exist

or ever existed.

the letter i sent i wrote back in february.
i never sent it. never wanted to
but somehow one late night
i read it and accidentally
somehow hit send

as i tried to go back to the main messages.

i wondered if it was divine intervention.
something big. something.

something.
that said you were meant to get it.

there was something in my mind. you had come back
to my mental space. i felt you. and felt *sure* that it
would be anytime now.

but i really need to face the facts, huh?
you left, without saying goodbye
and are never coming back.
its this crazy fantasy.
you.

my heart froze when you left. it just
iced.

and there have been a lot of guys that have come through
my space. i have nothing for them
i mean, nothing.

and your reasons were enough. i got it. id wait.
and i have. ive been really seriously agonizingly
waiting for you.

but its all a fantasy.
you don't know how to call someone back
you can't respond to an incredible gesture of vulnerability
you don't know how to be a man and just
say goodbye.

i don't know what your problem is
but i just know i have to move on.
i thought to wait a year.

like you said. a year from now.

thats only four months away. its already been eight.
but the bottle of scotch is gone.
and you have proven your worth
time and time again.

i want to just let you go.
get you gone.

and the only thing i can think of is a conversation.
to see you one last time
to talk to you and hear what you might have to say to me
if anything at all.

i have no explaination for the way you touched me
i wish it hadn't happened. i can't define it, or make sense of this.
ive written you more. other things.
for a long time id talk to you in my mind.
then for a longer time i let you go. to heal to work it out
and then it was back. this pulsing for you.
my mind my body and my soul.

the letter i sent still felt the same. i still felt the same,
after so many months. it was insane.
you and i had something in another life
and in this one, we won't.

thats what i need to come to grips with
there is no waiting.
no friendship.
no hanging
and just seeing what will happen.

no.
youre dead to me.

remember when i was talking about love?
thanks. through you i got it. what it felt like
to have and then lose, before it ever got started.

if you have a shred of decency
you'll respond to this note.
you'll sit the fuck down and talk to me.
i mean tell me the real deal.

ive invested so much energy in the idea of you
in the dream of you
and im not stupid.

i don't like to think that all of this effort
has been a big waste of time.
but after a while, reality
really starts to get in the way
of keeping the flame alive

is your mother dead yet?
are you divorced yet?
business handled yet?
have you gone under yet?

jesus nitzan.
who the fuck are you
and who have i been waiting for?
i never cared if you were perfect.
i believed in you.

theres only so much neglect
a girl can take. all your pain, everything
nothing fazed me. your crap. your shit.
i had the strength of 20 horses for you.
and this is what i have to show for it.

a stupid letter/poem in my yahoo drafts
detailing how badly i need to let you go.

did the other girls write like this?
are you on a rampage, revenge against the female sex?
have you gotten 2 or 3 more fucked up since you left me?

this has gone on far too long.
in six months, ive gotten one email, and one phone call.
just enough to keep me hooked on you.
ive kept my anger at bay. ive died many times
ive seduced men heartlessly. ive grown cold.
ive prayed for you. ive dreamt of you.

ive thought long and hard on you.

and like i said. all i can think of is a conversation.
something face to fucking face
where you do me the honor
of setting me free. look me in the eye and say good bye.

otherwise i'll lose all respect for you. the little bit that
i have been holding on to, will dissapate. poof.
into a tiny black ball in the center of my heart
hating you
forever.