cocktease.
being a cocktease.
i am positive they all see me this way. it honestly isn't intentional on my end. when it gets to that point, i dont know if my inner persian comes out or what, but i just want time to get used to the idea, the body, the hands, the mind. people all seem so ready to fuck right away. i usually am not. its not that i don't like to have sex. i like it more than anything else. but the problem is that i start thinking.
i think about the time that alex harrassed me until i said fine then fucked me for 2 minutes and had to stop, some moral dillemna that he couldnt forsee before he upped my fucking number without a proper fuck. i think about the one only one-night-stand ive ever had and how i fell sobbing after it was over, how confused he was and how i never wanted to see him again. i think about the last time i had sex and cried the entire time, but how he didn't seem to notice. i think about the fact that hard cocks are like a merry go round in my life, how men think that because its hard i owe it something and how angry that makes me. i think about how i promised myself never to have casual sex, ever again, because it leaves me so hollow. i think about how i got pregnant several years ago, and how id have a 4 year old this coming november if i hadnt aborted. i think about how sex is the only part of myself i don't give away freely, and if i can only hold on to that, at the very least, unless it really means something, then i can at least have something, something to say for myself, when or if i ever do get married, at least at least at least!
a strange sense of self preservation, for some outdated romanticism of saving myself for that one, the final one. but those in the moment seem to alway want that crude go for the gold. no one ever takes their time. they always always move fast. all for the way that i kiss. slow stages, i want.. a communion. something spiritual. evolving. a lover. but something something about me communicates differently. i think to them it says little more than "doable" then consequently "cocktease".
i was a virgin until i was 20, and so for me junior high school wasn't much like this, no. nothing like it really. a first kiss at 16.
a lifetime of dont be a slut.
there is no shortage of action for me these days. no shortage of interest. i'll be tangled up with someone new, someone beautiful and just ... there is this point where it all short circuts, and i don't know who they are, why they are touching me this way, what they want.. i wonder what they want from me, i know what they want to put in me. things move quickly. naked man in my bed. another selfish cock. resistance skyrockets. no communication..
and everything slams shut. inside and out.
where is the balance.
i just want to trust who ever it is i fuck.
but these men, the man i just met, the man in my bed, the man that wants to constantly place his hard cock in my hand, against my side, on my ass like i fucking want it there so soon, like im going to guide it into my Not waiting cunt any fucking second, i do not trust. these men who see my body and nothing past it i do not trust. so much so often, this happens that i think i am starting to forget how to. trust. anyone.
and if i do not trust you, there is no way i will let you in my mouth, in my hand or in my cunt. things will stop. it will never get past a certain point until i am either familiar enough with your mind and body or you somehow manage to make me stop thinking. no one has this kind of patience. it is much easier to just call me a cocktease.
its worse than ever now. that number means an awful lot to me and somehow at 27 ive managed to keep it single digited. the next one will cross over, the next one will be ten. something about that crossing makes me feel a little sick. something about the idea of opening myself again makes me feel sick. something about the idea of never being able to, makes me feel sick. it is all something of a constant state of torture.
the days constantly show that ive got serious walls around sex. need to make my way through them soon i know. but i am not sure how to.
i am positive they all see me this way. it honestly isn't intentional on my end. when it gets to that point, i dont know if my inner persian comes out or what, but i just want time to get used to the idea, the body, the hands, the mind. people all seem so ready to fuck right away. i usually am not. its not that i don't like to have sex. i like it more than anything else. but the problem is that i start thinking.
i think about the time that alex harrassed me until i said fine then fucked me for 2 minutes and had to stop, some moral dillemna that he couldnt forsee before he upped my fucking number without a proper fuck. i think about the one only one-night-stand ive ever had and how i fell sobbing after it was over, how confused he was and how i never wanted to see him again. i think about the last time i had sex and cried the entire time, but how he didn't seem to notice. i think about the fact that hard cocks are like a merry go round in my life, how men think that because its hard i owe it something and how angry that makes me. i think about how i promised myself never to have casual sex, ever again, because it leaves me so hollow. i think about how i got pregnant several years ago, and how id have a 4 year old this coming november if i hadnt aborted. i think about how sex is the only part of myself i don't give away freely, and if i can only hold on to that, at the very least, unless it really means something, then i can at least have something, something to say for myself, when or if i ever do get married, at least at least at least!
a strange sense of self preservation, for some outdated romanticism of saving myself for that one, the final one. but those in the moment seem to alway want that crude go for the gold. no one ever takes their time. they always always move fast. all for the way that i kiss. slow stages, i want.. a communion. something spiritual. evolving. a lover. but something something about me communicates differently. i think to them it says little more than "doable" then consequently "cocktease".
i was a virgin until i was 20, and so for me junior high school wasn't much like this, no. nothing like it really. a first kiss at 16.
a lifetime of dont be a slut.
there is no shortage of action for me these days. no shortage of interest. i'll be tangled up with someone new, someone beautiful and just ... there is this point where it all short circuts, and i don't know who they are, why they are touching me this way, what they want.. i wonder what they want from me, i know what they want to put in me. things move quickly. naked man in my bed. another selfish cock. resistance skyrockets. no communication..
and everything slams shut. inside and out.
where is the balance.
i just want to trust who ever it is i fuck.
but these men, the man i just met, the man in my bed, the man that wants to constantly place his hard cock in my hand, against my side, on my ass like i fucking want it there so soon, like im going to guide it into my Not waiting cunt any fucking second, i do not trust. these men who see my body and nothing past it i do not trust. so much so often, this happens that i think i am starting to forget how to. trust. anyone.
and if i do not trust you, there is no way i will let you in my mouth, in my hand or in my cunt. things will stop. it will never get past a certain point until i am either familiar enough with your mind and body or you somehow manage to make me stop thinking. no one has this kind of patience. it is much easier to just call me a cocktease.
its worse than ever now. that number means an awful lot to me and somehow at 27 ive managed to keep it single digited. the next one will cross over, the next one will be ten. something about that crossing makes me feel a little sick. something about the idea of opening myself again makes me feel sick. something about the idea of never being able to, makes me feel sick. it is all something of a constant state of torture.
the days constantly show that ive got serious walls around sex. need to make my way through them soon i know. but i am not sure how to.
posted by sheloves at 12:44 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home