once again, every time.

I am sitting here typing. Typing into floating music, carrying me euphorically far away from the unpleasantry that I experienced last nite. Cracked out on lack of sleep, at my job, my last day at this job, I am trying to make sense of it. Still. Always. Constantly.

A man. A man that wanted me, initially physically, increasingly more than that, a boy trying so hard to behave, to do everything right, to win me, to behave.

Me as usual, wanting something in between well behaved and disregarding the rules. But the truth was that he did not unlock my heart, set my body free, he made me nervous, crowded and constrained. He was overbearing in all the ways that I always hated and rebelled from with my father. He consistantly reminds me of my father. Sometimes this works in his favor. Sometimes it doesn't. Don't they say that women are always somehow looking for their fathers? He tells me not to smoke, to work out, to take care of myself. It makes me feel cared for. Then, there's a point. And at that point I am like, dude. I have already got one father. Don't need another.

And so for the third consecutive evening as I am being crushed and crunched in cave man embraces, slobering kisses that I gracefully try to evade for some sense of tact, I find myself frustrated. Here is someone who acts as though I matter. As though he cares, but still, between the cracks I see someone different. Someone off balance. Someone a little crazy. The run away kind, the this may soon turn dangerous kind, not the good kind.

So, once again here we go. Once again, another not working. Once again, every time.