if only to remember

-never sent, but stored here so as not to forget-

to speak or not to speak. that is the question.

i'm going to write this with the intention of undergoing an exercise in clarity. i don't have any idea if i will send it. as i said before, we will see how the words come.

neither you nor i are any strangers to the dance of desire.

wicked and dirty late nights with too much to drink, an inflated sense of fearlessness, and the novelty of some new possibility. you've been there. i've been there. the wind blows us here and there and back again to light on something new to unfold, discover, conquer, or experience. pleasure for the sake of pleasure. i do what i please, as i please.

every so often there's a little nag of a voice. a pulling on the shoulder. a sense that we're missing the point, or losing sight of the bigger picture. a tastelessness at where we have been. self remorse and self defense, all locked into one tiny knot in the pit of your stomach.

and then somewhere between disregard for convention, and fear of confronting that inner rebellion you find a space of ease. there is nothing to worry about in this little escape, there is nothing caging, trapping, or trying to contain you. there is only a long exhale. a place where finally, you can let go. a place where really, there is no need to think, only enjoy. a place where pleasure is truly pleasurable, and a place where nothing more is needed.

this is how i experience you, and how i hope that you experience me.

but its a precarious space no? so fragile. speaking to it might ruin it. letting silence rule might mistaken it. others might misunderstand. such a delicate balance. can't let the outside world into it. can't...

there have been a few times that i've tried to say what i'd like to say to you, but haven't found a way to. and i'm now afraid that by not speaking, i've allowed more assumptions to rule the sliding scale of our dynamic. that delicate balance.

im going to trust in a simple honesty here.

about a month before i met you, quite frustrated with my interactions with men, i cried up to the sky that the universe PLEASE for fuck's sake deliver me a lover. just someone that could take my body on, that could calm the raging torrents, who could contain the energy i have inside, who would be able to really give me what i needed physically. forget a boyfriend, a possible husband, anything serious. that was not what i wanted. all of that was too complicated. i just wanted something simple. someone who knew what he was doing, specifically in bed, and who was particularly good at it.

and then you and i fell into this... thing.

i came to see that i had gotten what i wanted.. in you. you handled business. you were very good at it. you helped me get my crazy inner energy out. i didn't have to constantly guard my body when you were around. i could be sexy and free. but you didn't control me, trap me, want to change me, or bore me. you come and go. you never get too old. every time i saw you was fresh, but still we had this history. you were exactly what i asked for.

since then, i've come into a space that i am looking for a great love, something extraordinary and deep. something with someone maybe more involved in my life, even though (believe it) these are scary steps for me. quite scary.

but darling, i see you, always have. i know what you can give, and what you can't. so for the great love i have not looked at you. you're in your own madness right now, you wouldn't be able to handle it, me, that type of thing, not at all. i see well enough to see all of this.

you've been making apologies on my behalf. you've been saddened by an idea that you might hurt me in the end. you've been weary of my possible attachment. you've been remorseful of certain interactions that simply should not be anywhere near anything negative. your experience of me should be pure, uncontaminated by anything apologetic or regretful. i have never asked questions or even asked much of you, for a reason.

i simply have no interest in locking you into anything. do unto others.. no?

yes, i like you. and yes, recently ive been on tiptoes, looking around for a great love. but not in you darling. not you. its always been clear.

unless you want to be part of the pool of possibility, and until you're ready to go anywhere like that, i refuse to consider it. and even if you were, i'm still hedgy about my ability and readiness for something myself. for now.. what you've given me, or have for me has been sating enough that i'm not interested to force it into being something its not.

and im sure that soon, what i'm asking for will come.
yes, cross my fingers, soon.

until then, i think i am happy with where we have been. who you are and aren't.

i don't know how long any of this will last, i never have. and i've been happy not thinking too much about it. the name of the game aziz, is freedom.

anything less than this, in my world, is simply unnecessary. its just not what i stand for, dig? and what we stumbled over in each other should always be left just as it was found. a lovely vibe, an easy energy, a deep exhale.

i'm sure we won't ever forget each other. but if this letter is to mark our parting, then just know that everything is exactly as it should be.

it always has been, and always will be.

think of the travelers

i've been implored to continue writing, to think of those traveling, in remote regions of the world, those who are curious as to what i am up to, or of those who are looking for a bit of sparkling adventure, to live vicariously through.

so at this, i am obliged to continue.

i think i've written before of the danger of writing. words come naturally to me, and i have more stories than i know what to do with, than i can even contain. but writing them, oh, the danger of writing...

though someday i feel, i will write them all. and perhaps in this regard, these writings are not so dangerous after all. anyway, only time can tell.

the recent.
jared november is back, throwing accusations of my sneaky manipulative nature again at me, pushing the buttons, firing me up. they say you only get defensive if what is being accused is true, and i think this is bullshit. if someone says something about me that i don't think is true, this is when i get upset. i try to be a good person, i have a general good will towards the world, and i can't understand what motivation could drive someone to see me as an enemy, as someone to guard against, as someone evil and wrong. the story of this one is a long and dramatic one, a big chapter in the sassafras history of dc. one i worked hard for, and got nothing out of. there will be a story, on this one for sure.

the tiger, also back. my grand love story from 2 years ago, is again in my space. touch and go, as it were. i called on friday and asked very normally if we might find some time to see each other soon. he said ok, saturday. and came by, stayed half an hour, then had to go. drives a new car. has the same face.. worn, weary, wild. and when he was over, you know... i have let it go in so many ways, have begun again to pursue other love possibilities, there was nothing i could do but move on.. and yet, and still when he is around, my heart beats hard. still when he is in my space, i can breath again. something about him. something i made him. in my mind, in my heart, in my soul... still there is little way to tell what is real. but its a step right? a step towards what remains to be seen.

i have a beautiful tall kandy kane. i'm struck on how to act with him, or where to take things. we have the most delicious physical interaction. its everything i want in that department, and this particular department is the reason i want a boyfriend, or significant other or anything like it. i want to deepen our bond. i want to grow and be a better person, i want to help him be that as well. but the tender interaction we have extends only once every so often in the early morning hours of our crazy late 20's weeks end lifesyles. and only when i stop waiting, only when i disengage from expectations to i get to have this beautiful hand brush my cheek in admiration, my little escape, his space to breathe, our shared pleasure driven secret paradise. but i don't own him, he doesn't have me, we have no ties outside of the here again gone again times that we have together. and so what, i wonder, am i to do with it? leave it alone... keep it this little sacred space or try to water the garden, little by precious little. is his function in my life to be regulated to side candy, or will he or could he be the main sweetener... i just don't know. i can't tell if i make him more lately because i am wanting this sweetness in my life, or if i am simply fond of him. if that is enough, just as it is.

there was a woman for a fleeting moment in the last few weeks. she infuriated me, the way that women are especially talented at doing. i won't get into the story of her unless she becomes more. for now, the plan is leave alone and lie low. however, should this start again.. the fire! watch out.

for a long time, there has been a book of poetry stirring in my mind. i want to title it, to all the boys i've ever known. maybe two books, in parallel. TATBIEK, and TATGIEK. one for boys, and one for girls. a poem each, or a series for those that have passed through my heart space, my body space, my head space....

its an interesting idea. but then caught here: my life all about and around the people that come in and go out. come again, go again. seems so silly, when you stand back and investigate this from a distance. what is she, really. what is this girl about? what is here other than all these outside people? what is this life, removed of all the distractions?

what are you really adding to my life?
when i stand back and look, when i really spend time looking.. there isn't much.