OKC reaction to stormydepth

After months of cheeky, ambiguous profile writing, and many, many (completely unsuccessful) dates, I'm going to try and put a little substantive information here about who I am, what I'm looking for and where I'd like to take this little journey called okcupid.

I am an American-born Persian girl. I have a lot of personality. I am a seeker. I am a creator. I am a thinker. I have an unquenchable desire to learn ever more about myself, and about all the strange twists and turns of humanity that surround me. I possess an uncompromising degree of curiosity and commitment to the truth... whatever that is, which as any truth seeker knows is a subjective and shifting thing. Even so, I don't forgive a lack of desire to know, discover and act from whatever that space is for you, lightly. If you're the sort that prefers comfort to reality, who willingly participates in the complex web of lies and delusion that most of this world suffers from - please please please do not talk to me.

I am complicated. Sorry simple, stupid lovers, but I come that way. I see so many shades of gray in this life and in myself that I don't understand how so many people can act like they don't exist. I don't hide this under some pretty blanket called fun and easy. I can be a lot of fun, but I am not easy. I am not for the faint of heart. I have run off many would be and existing lovers by asking them the hard questions of life, and really.. that's OK. Because I want someone strong. Strong enough to debate without getting bent, strong enough to handle me, and whatever beauiful madness we create together.

Repeat: I am not easy. I'm explicitly saying to anyone perusing my profile for a quick or casual lay to please get lost. I have had enough stupid casual sex in my life to realize its fucking disgusting, the intense dishonor we engage in by participating in this kind of 'connection', as though it is normal and OK. I am not in that space -- in body or mind AT ALL, so do not talk to me if you are. It'll be a perfectly reasonable response to any solicitation of mine to say that you are a casual fucker, which will have me hide you right away and never bug you again.

I am fiercely independent, and very protective of my freedom. I am not dying to be in a relationship; to be honest, they scare me a little. But I do want to build something beautiful with someone a bit like me. I want to create and discover and love and fuck and explore and expand and energize and do all the things that lovers do. I am very romantic, and I'm also very feminine. All in a very self-constructed way. As opposed to blindly doing as they told me.

I take a lot of pride in my oddities, and my rebellions... from a very young age I stood out, and learned very early on that the rules actually don't matter at all. The only thing that matters to me is authenticity. And that's a very conscious choice. It takes heart, bravery, courage to decide who you are, to see it, to act from it.

This is who I am, and this is who I want.

Staying Stuck in a Single State of Mind

In the course of dating, reflecting and then dating again, one is sometimes struck by a few... shall we say... patterns.
Mine: meet said romantic prospect - fall for them/they fall for me - we enter the itsy bitsy beginning stages of being together - a push or a tug along the way - then - explosive unrecoverable final kaput ending, before anything has really even gotten started.
Ok maybe I am being dramatic. Sometimes its not explosive. Really this sounds worse than it is. Still though, its also no picnic. It does make for good stories, if you like that sort of thing. Which I might. Secretly of course.
People (friends and cohorts, and even potential partners) will react to this pattern in a few different ways. They'll usually say - it must be that you're going after a certain kind of (bad) man - or - you just haven't met 'the one'. I often wonder why they always go to the guys, as if I'm completely devoid of any responsibility for this pattern, as if I have nothing to do with it. Now look, I don't have some kind of physical deformity, or any significant lack of intelligence or social grace. I don't mean to imply that I am a reject or otherwise undesirable, because frankly speaking, I'm not.
I  think this tendency to look outside of the self is impulsive; a knee jerk reaction to absolving the self of the rather intensely uncomfortable process of looking at oneself squarely to understand what is and isn't working about our perspectives and behavior in and around our worlds. The easy answer, we're addicted to it culturally really... in order, its something like 1) the men you like are bad, 2) you are bad/wrong/a mess/etc, 3) you're looking too hard/want too much... you get it, right? Cliched variations of the same unproductive answers. Bleh. All these answers bore me really. And I don't think they are anywhere close to the truth.
Speaking of addiction and impulse, I think the real culprit here is comfort zone. Routine, the state of the world as you know it. And with me... I know that I have an attachment to independence and freedom, which has contributed to a long romantic life free of actual partnership/relationship. And while I think that I've significantly matured since the time when all this started, and while I recognize that a truly balanced partnership wouldn't threaten my freedom at all, I suspect that I am somewhat stuck in a single state of mind.
I think you can identify with this concept: The one with all the stories, romances and passing trysts, the one least likely to settle down or settle at all, the one who's always got someone but never with anyone... I have had something of a rockstar lifestyle and I have relished it. I think I am starting to get a bit worried about the transition into a partnership. I want one, who doesn't? But I am convinced that it has to be every bit as glittering as my past lives have been, with a lot of glamor and grace. Chaotic and catatonic, intuitive and alive!
I know that in reality settled relationships aren't traditionally this way. But it also bears noting that settled relationships don't have to be completely boring and lifeless, either. I think I have it like that in my head, though. So whenever things start slipping into a togetherness, into an us, into a sharing space, I think I might have the subconscious equivalent of a solid recoil. Because it's just so dreary, really.. to negotiate your hangups and neuroses against all of mine, no? I mean, yes. Totally. But right or wrong, true or false, this mindset isn't doing anything for my romantic life and chances at happily ever after. So how to shift? What to do, after awareness hits?