Transformation
Let's address the topic of transformation. I am what I decided to be. I create myself in every choice moment and unfolding event.
I am standing at the other end of a great abyss, one I repeatedly fantasized about over the passing years, but did not imagine I would ever reach, much less surpass to the extent that I have. Is it a slight death, I can't help but wonder, to be self congratulatory at this point? I hope not, because I deserve this.
To take stock and for the record, this time last year I was living a life of utter self destruction. I was smoking anything a person could smoke like it was my job. I never slept on time. I didn't eat at all or correctly most of the time. And I never had any money. I was always late, and always struggling. I know, this sounds like the start of a religiously inspired born again testimonial... The strangest part: I was fiercely attached to my lifestyle. It's not like I didn't know that I wasn't doing right by myself, its that I didn't care. I knew it was fucked up and I liked it that way.
There are a lot of questions about this that float around for me. Why didn't I care? Was it some kind of manifestation of self hate? Was it some kind of resistance? Some kind of protest to the life I was living? What changed in me recently to put everything in order? Is it my age? Did I finally, finally get sick enough of it all? Is it all thanks to moving to New York?
In my mind these days, I say to myself often: I used to think I had problems. And then, I moved to New York. This doesn't mean what it seems to mean. I don't have more problems now, I don't know what it is to struggle more keenly, in fact I have so many less. But I see daily what problems look like. I see people with issues, everywhere. For some reason this has me straighten up and ground within myself; it has me working harder to assert who I really am, authentically. And I think this is what is most curious to me... what I found by doing so.
One by one, I've dropped all my vices. Things that I remember rooting my personality in, my self-identity. September saw me cut off tobacco. December/January saw the departure of my transitional living space on the seaport. No internet in the new place on purpose suddenly has me sleeping on time and consistently. Jan 31 I joined an expensive gym; so expensive I force myself to workout daily. February: exit right some new but seriously toxic friends. March: Persian New Year + family + master cleanse help me drop food, self medication and sex. The return to food saw only healthful things, I still haven't eaten anything deeply fried, and white bread/rice hasn't really made much of a comeback. Neither has sex. Or serious intoxication. And I feel powerful as a result of each of these little victories. Every little one pushes me up a notch, and with each notch the self degenerative decisions of my past confuse and confound me a little more. Who was I then? Why was I like that? Why did it take so long to get here. To this moment that unfolded like I'd always imagined it would, like a switch. Something simply flipped and I just shifted. Even my life at the beginning of March seems foreign and far away compared to where I am now. How strange and amazing is that?
I remember watching my sister first apply to Duke for her MBA, then get accepted, then complete the program, with determination and absolute resolve. She did it while excelling at her career, purchasing a new place, then moving to a new city, purchasing another place, and getting promoted at work. I remember feeling indifferent about it all, while I was happy for her, I considered it in the space of "things that made us different" labeling it so that I could pad my self disappointment. One night during the course of it though, she told me about the catching feeling of accomplishment... "Now that I did this thing, what else can I do?" Something about my current journey takes me back to that conversation we had... I think I finally understand what she meant, and I actually don't think we are all that different anymore.
Rat race mentality creeps in a little... now that I've finally straightened up I can compete and join the ranks of good enough to transcend into better and then best. The person I was always meant to be! The one my parents and sister sometimes looked through me and saw, with cocked heads and confounded brows. Imagine what I could have done if I'd come around to this 10 years ago. There is my dad talking... But it really doesn't matter, does it. Maybe, I think, I am like the Siddhartha who had to indulge in the lavish excess of the material world to enjoy the spiritual one, to reach nirvana... he crossed that same river many times before he sat down under a tree. So why bemoan the journey? Celebrate it.
But not for long, there is still a lot of work to do, sister.
Self actualization is not for the faint of heart. And as a result I'm pretty thankful for the blazing determination inside my ribcage. Is ignorance really bliss? Not here, not now. To drag myself through the dirt of life to get to this little mountain top makes suffering the nasty truths of who I was and the pain of change absolutely worth it.
Upward and onward..
I am standing at the other end of a great abyss, one I repeatedly fantasized about over the passing years, but did not imagine I would ever reach, much less surpass to the extent that I have. Is it a slight death, I can't help but wonder, to be self congratulatory at this point? I hope not, because I deserve this.
To take stock and for the record, this time last year I was living a life of utter self destruction. I was smoking anything a person could smoke like it was my job. I never slept on time. I didn't eat at all or correctly most of the time. And I never had any money. I was always late, and always struggling. I know, this sounds like the start of a religiously inspired born again testimonial... The strangest part: I was fiercely attached to my lifestyle. It's not like I didn't know that I wasn't doing right by myself, its that I didn't care. I knew it was fucked up and I liked it that way.
There are a lot of questions about this that float around for me. Why didn't I care? Was it some kind of manifestation of self hate? Was it some kind of resistance? Some kind of protest to the life I was living? What changed in me recently to put everything in order? Is it my age? Did I finally, finally get sick enough of it all? Is it all thanks to moving to New York?
In my mind these days, I say to myself often: I used to think I had problems. And then, I moved to New York. This doesn't mean what it seems to mean. I don't have more problems now, I don't know what it is to struggle more keenly, in fact I have so many less. But I see daily what problems look like. I see people with issues, everywhere. For some reason this has me straighten up and ground within myself; it has me working harder to assert who I really am, authentically. And I think this is what is most curious to me... what I found by doing so.
One by one, I've dropped all my vices. Things that I remember rooting my personality in, my self-identity. September saw me cut off tobacco. December/January saw the departure of my transitional living space on the seaport. No internet in the new place on purpose suddenly has me sleeping on time and consistently. Jan 31 I joined an expensive gym; so expensive I force myself to workout daily. February: exit right some new but seriously toxic friends. March: Persian New Year + family + master cleanse help me drop food, self medication and sex. The return to food saw only healthful things, I still haven't eaten anything deeply fried, and white bread/rice hasn't really made much of a comeback. Neither has sex. Or serious intoxication. And I feel powerful as a result of each of these little victories. Every little one pushes me up a notch, and with each notch the self degenerative decisions of my past confuse and confound me a little more. Who was I then? Why was I like that? Why did it take so long to get here. To this moment that unfolded like I'd always imagined it would, like a switch. Something simply flipped and I just shifted. Even my life at the beginning of March seems foreign and far away compared to where I am now. How strange and amazing is that?
I remember watching my sister first apply to Duke for her MBA, then get accepted, then complete the program, with determination and absolute resolve. She did it while excelling at her career, purchasing a new place, then moving to a new city, purchasing another place, and getting promoted at work. I remember feeling indifferent about it all, while I was happy for her, I considered it in the space of "things that made us different" labeling it so that I could pad my self disappointment. One night during the course of it though, she told me about the catching feeling of accomplishment... "Now that I did this thing, what else can I do?" Something about my current journey takes me back to that conversation we had... I think I finally understand what she meant, and I actually don't think we are all that different anymore.
Rat race mentality creeps in a little... now that I've finally straightened up I can compete and join the ranks of good enough to transcend into better and then best. The person I was always meant to be! The one my parents and sister sometimes looked through me and saw, with cocked heads and confounded brows. Imagine what I could have done if I'd come around to this 10 years ago. There is my dad talking... But it really doesn't matter, does it. Maybe, I think, I am like the Siddhartha who had to indulge in the lavish excess of the material world to enjoy the spiritual one, to reach nirvana... he crossed that same river many times before he sat down under a tree. So why bemoan the journey? Celebrate it.
But not for long, there is still a lot of work to do, sister.
Self actualization is not for the faint of heart. And as a result I'm pretty thankful for the blazing determination inside my ribcage. Is ignorance really bliss? Not here, not now. To drag myself through the dirt of life to get to this little mountain top makes suffering the nasty truths of who I was and the pain of change absolutely worth it.
Upward and onward..
posted by sheloves at 9:51 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home