as the days roll by

i know there are a handful of you that check this blog from time to time to see how i am doing, you who don't see me often and are generally curious as to how i have been. i was thinking about you the other day.

this blog was intended to be a secret. it wasn't really meant to be anything that anyone would see, in fact, the point wa to have an anonymous space that i could write about the strange and unusual episodes i seem to frequently get myself into. meant to somehow be the space that i can record things that seem sometimes so unreal that even i don't believe it, and won't remember if not for writing them out. and sometimes, i feel like taking all of this, all of these scraps and shredded slivers of the past and trashing them, for if i did not write, and did not tell, it would almost be as if it didn't really happen, after all.

my memory being the only thing holding on and even that, the details that i work so hard to memorize in my moments always inevitably fade, life carries me to a new ship, a new contemplation, a new possibility, and a new frontier. we have come along 27 years now, and this is what i have to show for it.

its very common, and perhaps this is the most important thing that i want to impress upon you, that we write when we are distraught. it is a relieving thing to take it out of my body and place it on paper. a cathartic thing. but think not for a minute that my life is all gloom and doom. now more than ever am i in a place where i am comfortable with myself, and optimistic about the rest of my life. i have started to calm forces that i felt helpless to, i have a beautiful job, a beautiful place to live, and beautiful friends. there are over and again episodes that i wish i had the discipline to record here, episodes equally exciting and equally fantastic as some of the things i have written about that do not involve such desolute and degenerate aims. things that have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with love, life and laughter. i promise.

this is what i was thinking about, when thinking about you, those whom i have let in the door, more than anything for a one time visit, a look around, rather than repreated visits. yet the nature of my life i realize is always incarnating, something different weird and interesting always seems to come along and knock on my door, and i always open to see what that is. it would make sense to at least check in, look around, and see whats happening.

so in the end, i simply want to tell you that this is only one tip of one iceberg, there are so many, and they all run deeply. something about this one, this side makes me find solance in writing about, at least until now. there is so much more to say about this world than what i have written here. and i realize, that there is so much more to say about life than this.

perhaps soon, i will be moving on towards that. these things come in cycles, and i feel a new one, on the horizon.

finally, to you who know me.. thank you for loving me, no matter what blows through...