gone.

and as fast as he came, he was gone.

a whirlwind weekend with him, my heart flying straight out of its cage, overwhelmed completely that once again, so much yearned for, so highly desired, so desperately wanted, him.. him... he was here again, next to me, back, my beautiful broken bird had come back. i grew feverish, i became consumed by the details, all the details, watching him watching me, filing comments away, noticing what caused a reaction what caused a lull. details and desperate yearning came together in a massive explosion, undulating and obsessive within me.

now, a week has gone by with so little word that like a gun shy child, i keep ducking my head and closing my eyes tightly, holding my breath because perhaps, maybe already, any second now he will be gone again. gone again and my body is left clawing at the air, my friends are left shaking their heads, my inner rage once again grows. all the faith and love in the world still stands small to some of the rage i feel at this kind of tightly woven desire, this sureness that he is for me, that i am for him. i create him to be huge, a god, a martyr, a statue. so as soon as the phone call didn't come, when i saw the pattern undulating again, a screaming pain inside began its churning. began its desperate terrible yearning.

don't get me wrong, i only have moments where the shades are drawn back and we can see this gnawing pit of hunger in me, when people ask or talk about the tiger, when we start to look at his absense, when i don't have friends and family to keep my mind distracted of its traumatic yearnings. and then, soon enough, my eyes clear of their tears, of that bleary-eyed haze, and i see once again my animal, the huntress, the objective, the end goal. i become laser, analyzing details nuances, spending my time away plotting planning and setting the stage for the next steps. my power returns, i stand up straight again, he is once again my victim, i set up our roles correctly.

the repositioning is amazing for perspective, for adjustment, for my mental state and wellbeing, but still, there is a nagging in my heart, and i can't ever fully let it go. the anxiety. the want. the hunger. with time they grow, intoxicating me, drowning me in that desperate heartful desire.

and now, the space is standing still again. wait, give up, walk away, hold tight, reseduce, reseduce reseduce.. fight for love, fight for heart, stay patient and sit tight for what everyone sees as an old man with too many problems? which way should i turn? what is true, what is worth fighting for, and what is worth giving up?

this is where the tiger has left me, in his absense.

and could he know what happens to me, what my heart does to my body, i don't know that he would be so careless or so self pitying. if he could even be told the stories, the pieces of me that have been strewn in the recent attempts to fill this bleeding carnevorous hole, i have no idea how he would feel.

nothing like this has ever touched me, to date. somewhere in the back of my mind, i have decided that it is to be my great love story. every girl needs one, so this one is obviously mine.

the situation honestly makes no sense, and yet i have arrived to a certain point of surrender about it. he will do as he does. i will continue to watch and wait. he has come back to my nest, he has been hovering. land in my web poor dear one. take a load off, and relax. then.. from there we shall see.

with time, everything comes around. even crazy men like him.
the only thing i am worried about is if i am to lose my soul in this process..