last ditch effort - manifested.
this is sassy, reporting on the latest in the seduction of the tiger.
obviously, i have been stirring. crazy, emotional, insanity. it has been a terrible past two weeks, full of well-meaning advice to move on, pitying nods humoring me, and general silence here to my emotional outburts, well deserved for being such a reactor in his absense. nonetheless, i have felt devalued and on some level deceived, my time away from him such a sharp contrast to the time i spend with him, and as i said, in my gut, i felt like the only thing at this point left to do was to confront him. i have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket and picked up a car tonite.. despite my agony and my (serious) inability to even move sometimes from the incapacitating angst this has caused me, i decided that i had to go out there, to see what was going on, to see what was up.
insane it was. but hey, i walk in these crazy places, in the name of a higher truth, in the name of intuition, in the name of whatever because that is who i am.
i knew two things. i wasn't going to sit in the dark any longer, not knowing and making up such crazy bullshet in my own mind. i wasn't going to let him think that it is ok to appear and dissappear at will, without explaination, regardless of the crap he is engaged with right now. and i was definately sure that i did not want to go on any longer not verbalizing what i truly feel. a deep serious connection, and the degree to which my heart is truly engaged.
so again, two things. you mean alot to me, and even so, if you want me to continue to stand for you, we can't go on like this.
i picked up the car late, around midnight. then i gathered my things, to be prepared incase it went on for longer than i expected. then i got in the car and drove.
it was very interesting how calm i was for most of the drive. there wasn't a lot to me that was doubting this, i knew on some level, that in order to move on, i would have to have this conversation with him. it has been getting in the way of my life, in the way of so many things... i needed to have some kind of closure, some sort of understanding about where we stood. as i got closer to the house, i started driving slower. i became nervous, and doubting. i knew this was crazy, easily insane, but i had chosen it and was clear about following through. so i calmed myself and approached, parked the car, and walked up the drive way.
a fascinating night this one. this is what i found.
lights were on. in the bedroom, the light went off, and the porch light came on. i ring the doorbell. then, voices. his, and someone else. a woman. at that... im just like greaaaat, i hear him coming through from the back porch to the driveway, and as i do, i start to walk away. hes taking his trash out, bringing it down the drive way as i am walking down it, and away. im just walking.. hands in pockets. mulling this thing. what now. and he comes in even with me, staring at me. i look back at him. he doesn't look angry, upset, or even surprised. just staring.
we come to the end of the driveway and he turns to face me. i look at him and whisper. another woman? he nods. i nod back, almost to myself. and he tells me, a one night stand. and i look back at him. cute, i say.
i needed to talk to you, i tell him, and hes looking back at me, i know he says. and then, a two hour conversation at the foot of his driveway ensues. a long conversation, along the same lines of many of our other conversations, but this time, im not buying these reasons these stories. its hard, im scared, i dont know what to do with myself he says. and i stand my ground. i will NOT, i say, i reFUSE to see you as a victim. i will not.
he says what can i say to you. i have no idea what to say to you. he tells me again of his darkness, how crazy it is, how terrible. and i stand my ground. i speak of the passing of time. how completely i empathize with his problems but in the end, how i believe that he is fully capable of moving through them. its a big conversation about urgency essentially, and how even so, even though he has all this to deal with, his stuckness, and he himself talks often of being stuck, is his choice. i tell him of my belief that regardless of all the guilt he feels, regardless of all this drama, and its horrors, that he must be getting something out of it. otherwise he would choose something different. i went hard with him, but as usual, from love, and sometimes this kind of honest feedback is what it takes to rattle someone out of his cave.
i get into this lack of calling. this dissappearing act. i authentically speak of the insanity it leaves me in. i tell him that who knows why, but that i feel very strongly for him, and that when he does this, it nullifies everything. it places into doubt everything that he has said to me about anything else. at the points when i express my pain, or show it on some level, he tears up.. he is visibly shaken, visibly upset. also when i expressed deep feeling, that too has him look to the sky and curse.
he tells me that more than anything he is frightened. that when he is with me it only reminds him of how badly he wants to be with me, speaks of my perspective, and how far away from it he is. how fukced up he is in comparison. how much i teach him, and yet how frightened that makes him. how he finds it impossible to respond to a call, or an email, how he sits with it, stares at it, and listens to it, me over and over, maybe 50 times and then how each time it makes him ache more and more, until he simply blocks me from his mind. its head in the sand he says.. ostrich syndrome.
in my mind this is now or never. i don't let up on him, i speak of what kind of life he wants, i ask him what he wants. i tell him that i spoke to a psychic, and how she tells me that he won't get over his crap until he is 65. i look at him and say, 65! is that the way you want to live? this world is worth so much more than that. this is not what you want, and he says, i don't know what i want. and i say, yes, you do. you know what you want. but it is not this.
i tell him as sympathetic as i am to his problems, that i would be completely selling out on him if i were to continue to be nice and all sugar, and not tell him these things. how i am saying this because i care, even if they may be hard to hear. he nods. he understands.
remember, all this time there is a woman inside the house. i don't think she is a one night stand either, but that is neither here nor there.
ok, so we have gotten to this point, and i say something like this. i just need communication from you. i need to know where you are. if you need to step away i can do that, but you need to say that. we can exist only in words, or, we can each paint, the time it takes to paint each other like you said. otherwise, i really have to say goodbye to you. i need you to trust me. let me on your team. and, i have to stand up for myself. i can't continue letting you think that you can come and go, whenever without explaination. its not fair to me. i have a life. im well wanted. but the point is that i want you. im here for you, but i can't stand here picking my nose forever.
he is a crazy man, let me just say this. he is a little crazy. he starts babbling again about the ex, this and that, how he blew up in court over a mediator on the 5th, how he is in contempt of court now, how he simply couldn't take it any longer. how they threw him in jail for a night. jesus. drama anyone?
ok great, he has his stories. but the difference this time was that i continued to stand for what was behind that. what i see and have always seen. but i also said that i wasn't going to convince him to be with me. that infact, i needed to walk away myself.. that this was making me crazy, this now here now gone crap. and that essentially, i needed to say goodbye.
at some point through all of this, he says, september eleventh is my divorce trial. as id suspected, from my own research and his behavior, he is not yet completely divorced. after this, he says, i will have a lot less excuses. and i will be able to move forward on some level better than i can now. so ok, i say. september 11th, im going to walk away between now and then. if i find something to send to you i will, but be silent if it pleases you, between now and then. handle that. i will look for you after september 11th.
two twin towers fall he says, and a new one is being built in its place. a new one, a better one. in 8 weeks, ive waited 19 months. youve waited 9. in 8 weeks, he says.. he sounds hopeful. i say yes. we will see then. ill look for you after that.
i also look at him and say i want you to read a book for me. it is called the 33 strategies of war. it will help you. you are in a war, and need all the help that you can get. go get that book. yes he says. i'll get it tomorrow.
there were a couple points also that i stood there and said look, i am well wanted in this world, i have a lot to me that is desireable, im smart, im pretty, im talented, and as i talk about this, he nods, in fierce agreement, as i rattle qualities, he nods, faster and faster. it has never been a question he says. there has never been a need to convince me, i know. ive been sold from the beginning. earlier as well he uses this metaphor, you are a glove he says, and i am the hand. more than one time there is this from him, this furious gesture of how well we are matched. ok then, i say to him. so what are you going to do about it?
he feels so lost.
anyhow. at that, i will wait. my heart feels better, and ive parted ways respectfully. there will be time. i am not interested in messing with it until he has this under control. i am going to use this time to grow, as an individual, as a seducer, as a woman. i hope he will too. after the trial, we will have a conversation. see where we are, and take it from there. in so many words i said that i would not be putting my life on hold, but that i would do my best to wait.
8 weeks in the face of 6 months? its all about that deadline. the time span. and he then promises to call me after the trial tomorrow, and that he wants to have a big party in september after it, and speaks of the corner stone, when they build a new building, the corner stone, fighting about who will get to keep it... babble shmable. but its cool. ive said my piece. i've also in this found my peace. if im still around when he comes back wonderful. between now and then? my life is mine, his, is his.
its wildly late now, and i so have court in the morning for this frickin speeding ticket. i need to go to sleep but wanted to post this for your thoughts while it was still fresh in my mind. i find it to be a good move altogether..and am proud of myself for trusting myself and going through with this sort of an endeavor. i didn't throw a hysterical fit. i didn't threaten anything about and around the ex. i didn't cry (at all!), instead, i stood tall, and confidently, i stood there telling this man, older than me, more experienced, more jaded than i'll ever know, that life is what you make it, and that he needed to snap out of this, and push the clouds out of the way, to find out what he really wanted to have, to understand who he really is. to stop telling me, and himself that he no longer had the strength. because he does. i know it and he knows it.
and at that we said good bye.
so. at this point, i am not sure exaaactly what to do. completely walk away, cutting off all communication? or that constant inspiring presence, in the form of a poem here or a forward there?
hm im too tired to think about it now.
in the next few weeks, i may post for strategies on the reconnect.
reporting to seducers world, this is sassy, signing out.
obviously, i have been stirring. crazy, emotional, insanity. it has been a terrible past two weeks, full of well-meaning advice to move on, pitying nods humoring me, and general silence here to my emotional outburts, well deserved for being such a reactor in his absense. nonetheless, i have felt devalued and on some level deceived, my time away from him such a sharp contrast to the time i spend with him, and as i said, in my gut, i felt like the only thing at this point left to do was to confront him. i have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket and picked up a car tonite.. despite my agony and my (serious) inability to even move sometimes from the incapacitating angst this has caused me, i decided that i had to go out there, to see what was going on, to see what was up.
insane it was. but hey, i walk in these crazy places, in the name of a higher truth, in the name of intuition, in the name of whatever because that is who i am.
i knew two things. i wasn't going to sit in the dark any longer, not knowing and making up such crazy bullshet in my own mind. i wasn't going to let him think that it is ok to appear and dissappear at will, without explaination, regardless of the crap he is engaged with right now. and i was definately sure that i did not want to go on any longer not verbalizing what i truly feel. a deep serious connection, and the degree to which my heart is truly engaged.
so again, two things. you mean alot to me, and even so, if you want me to continue to stand for you, we can't go on like this.
i picked up the car late, around midnight. then i gathered my things, to be prepared incase it went on for longer than i expected. then i got in the car and drove.
it was very interesting how calm i was for most of the drive. there wasn't a lot to me that was doubting this, i knew on some level, that in order to move on, i would have to have this conversation with him. it has been getting in the way of my life, in the way of so many things... i needed to have some kind of closure, some sort of understanding about where we stood. as i got closer to the house, i started driving slower. i became nervous, and doubting. i knew this was crazy, easily insane, but i had chosen it and was clear about following through. so i calmed myself and approached, parked the car, and walked up the drive way.
a fascinating night this one. this is what i found.
lights were on. in the bedroom, the light went off, and the porch light came on. i ring the doorbell. then, voices. his, and someone else. a woman. at that... im just like greaaaat, i hear him coming through from the back porch to the driveway, and as i do, i start to walk away. hes taking his trash out, bringing it down the drive way as i am walking down it, and away. im just walking.. hands in pockets. mulling this thing. what now. and he comes in even with me, staring at me. i look back at him. he doesn't look angry, upset, or even surprised. just staring.
we come to the end of the driveway and he turns to face me. i look at him and whisper. another woman? he nods. i nod back, almost to myself. and he tells me, a one night stand. and i look back at him. cute, i say.
i needed to talk to you, i tell him, and hes looking back at me, i know he says. and then, a two hour conversation at the foot of his driveway ensues. a long conversation, along the same lines of many of our other conversations, but this time, im not buying these reasons these stories. its hard, im scared, i dont know what to do with myself he says. and i stand my ground. i will NOT, i say, i reFUSE to see you as a victim. i will not.
he says what can i say to you. i have no idea what to say to you. he tells me again of his darkness, how crazy it is, how terrible. and i stand my ground. i speak of the passing of time. how completely i empathize with his problems but in the end, how i believe that he is fully capable of moving through them. its a big conversation about urgency essentially, and how even so, even though he has all this to deal with, his stuckness, and he himself talks often of being stuck, is his choice. i tell him of my belief that regardless of all the guilt he feels, regardless of all this drama, and its horrors, that he must be getting something out of it. otherwise he would choose something different. i went hard with him, but as usual, from love, and sometimes this kind of honest feedback is what it takes to rattle someone out of his cave.
i get into this lack of calling. this dissappearing act. i authentically speak of the insanity it leaves me in. i tell him that who knows why, but that i feel very strongly for him, and that when he does this, it nullifies everything. it places into doubt everything that he has said to me about anything else. at the points when i express my pain, or show it on some level, he tears up.. he is visibly shaken, visibly upset. also when i expressed deep feeling, that too has him look to the sky and curse.
he tells me that more than anything he is frightened. that when he is with me it only reminds him of how badly he wants to be with me, speaks of my perspective, and how far away from it he is. how fukced up he is in comparison. how much i teach him, and yet how frightened that makes him. how he finds it impossible to respond to a call, or an email, how he sits with it, stares at it, and listens to it, me over and over, maybe 50 times and then how each time it makes him ache more and more, until he simply blocks me from his mind. its head in the sand he says.. ostrich syndrome.
in my mind this is now or never. i don't let up on him, i speak of what kind of life he wants, i ask him what he wants. i tell him that i spoke to a psychic, and how she tells me that he won't get over his crap until he is 65. i look at him and say, 65! is that the way you want to live? this world is worth so much more than that. this is not what you want, and he says, i don't know what i want. and i say, yes, you do. you know what you want. but it is not this.
i tell him as sympathetic as i am to his problems, that i would be completely selling out on him if i were to continue to be nice and all sugar, and not tell him these things. how i am saying this because i care, even if they may be hard to hear. he nods. he understands.
remember, all this time there is a woman inside the house. i don't think she is a one night stand either, but that is neither here nor there.
ok, so we have gotten to this point, and i say something like this. i just need communication from you. i need to know where you are. if you need to step away i can do that, but you need to say that. we can exist only in words, or, we can each paint, the time it takes to paint each other like you said. otherwise, i really have to say goodbye to you. i need you to trust me. let me on your team. and, i have to stand up for myself. i can't continue letting you think that you can come and go, whenever without explaination. its not fair to me. i have a life. im well wanted. but the point is that i want you. im here for you, but i can't stand here picking my nose forever.
he is a crazy man, let me just say this. he is a little crazy. he starts babbling again about the ex, this and that, how he blew up in court over a mediator on the 5th, how he is in contempt of court now, how he simply couldn't take it any longer. how they threw him in jail for a night. jesus. drama anyone?
ok great, he has his stories. but the difference this time was that i continued to stand for what was behind that. what i see and have always seen. but i also said that i wasn't going to convince him to be with me. that infact, i needed to walk away myself.. that this was making me crazy, this now here now gone crap. and that essentially, i needed to say goodbye.
at some point through all of this, he says, september eleventh is my divorce trial. as id suspected, from my own research and his behavior, he is not yet completely divorced. after this, he says, i will have a lot less excuses. and i will be able to move forward on some level better than i can now. so ok, i say. september 11th, im going to walk away between now and then. if i find something to send to you i will, but be silent if it pleases you, between now and then. handle that. i will look for you after september 11th.
two twin towers fall he says, and a new one is being built in its place. a new one, a better one. in 8 weeks, ive waited 19 months. youve waited 9. in 8 weeks, he says.. he sounds hopeful. i say yes. we will see then. ill look for you after that.
i also look at him and say i want you to read a book for me. it is called the 33 strategies of war. it will help you. you are in a war, and need all the help that you can get. go get that book. yes he says. i'll get it tomorrow.
there were a couple points also that i stood there and said look, i am well wanted in this world, i have a lot to me that is desireable, im smart, im pretty, im talented, and as i talk about this, he nods, in fierce agreement, as i rattle qualities, he nods, faster and faster. it has never been a question he says. there has never been a need to convince me, i know. ive been sold from the beginning. earlier as well he uses this metaphor, you are a glove he says, and i am the hand. more than one time there is this from him, this furious gesture of how well we are matched. ok then, i say to him. so what are you going to do about it?
he feels so lost.
anyhow. at that, i will wait. my heart feels better, and ive parted ways respectfully. there will be time. i am not interested in messing with it until he has this under control. i am going to use this time to grow, as an individual, as a seducer, as a woman. i hope he will too. after the trial, we will have a conversation. see where we are, and take it from there. in so many words i said that i would not be putting my life on hold, but that i would do my best to wait.
8 weeks in the face of 6 months? its all about that deadline. the time span. and he then promises to call me after the trial tomorrow, and that he wants to have a big party in september after it, and speaks of the corner stone, when they build a new building, the corner stone, fighting about who will get to keep it... babble shmable. but its cool. ive said my piece. i've also in this found my peace. if im still around when he comes back wonderful. between now and then? my life is mine, his, is his.
its wildly late now, and i so have court in the morning for this frickin speeding ticket. i need to go to sleep but wanted to post this for your thoughts while it was still fresh in my mind. i find it to be a good move altogether..and am proud of myself for trusting myself and going through with this sort of an endeavor. i didn't throw a hysterical fit. i didn't threaten anything about and around the ex. i didn't cry (at all!), instead, i stood tall, and confidently, i stood there telling this man, older than me, more experienced, more jaded than i'll ever know, that life is what you make it, and that he needed to snap out of this, and push the clouds out of the way, to find out what he really wanted to have, to understand who he really is. to stop telling me, and himself that he no longer had the strength. because he does. i know it and he knows it.
and at that we said good bye.
so. at this point, i am not sure exaaactly what to do. completely walk away, cutting off all communication? or that constant inspiring presence, in the form of a poem here or a forward there?
hm im too tired to think about it now.
in the next few weeks, i may post for strategies on the reconnect.
reporting to seducers world, this is sassy, signing out.
posted by sheloves at 5:03 AM
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