snap out of it.. you asked for it.

he told me to snap out of it and i crashed my bike on my way home that night. they told me to be careful, and i said, ok, ok... but i still crashed and now i have a gimp leg. i can't move. its the most frustrating thing in the world. and all i can think as i sit here, in pain, in imobilised nothingness, in this frustrated fury at my lack of ability to do anything without completely exhausting myself is that hey, i asked for it.

i thought to myself at one point through this that there must be something about dying that i romanticise, or enjoy. its a fucked up thought to think. today is day 4 after surgery, and the 2 week anniversery of my accident. i have 6 more weeks of this, or 12 if i continue smoking despite my promise not to.

maybe i can write out this madness. these obvious issues. so much frustration, so constantly, and for what?

really. for what.