reform

for the past ten years of my life i've been an explorer, a wanderer, a nomad of the spirit. going where i pleased, wandering without regard to the passing of time, the motion of minutes, or the unfolding of seasons. the days passed one after another, and the main concern of any given moment was mainly rooted in who i liked, and why my work life was suffering as it was. the struggle of evading responsibility, coupled with the pursuit of pure hedonistic pleasure and exploration made me a fascinating person to behold, but only from a distance. too close one could see the wasting of a mind and the degradation of a spirit that was meant for success. and oh the stories i gained from it, the growth felt real, and the fun was immeasurable. i have been a free spirit in every sense of the word, and i would not give it up, as though my life were staked in it.

exactly 4 weeks ago today, i stopped smoking, drinking, and getting high, in any capacity, completely. the result has been dramatic, much more so internally than extermally. i don't want to make it sound like i had some big abusive problem, i didn't. i smoked as much as a normal smoker, i drank as any other young professional in a city like dc would, and i smoked dope to the point that any self respecting artist should. for all intents and purposes, i was in my eyes, and in the eyes of those around me, normal.

but think about it. how much is substance an ingrained and securely lodged part of our lives? what kinds of decisions do we make within the haze, and how much time do we lose?

its a hard place that im standing in. i loved my life. i had lots and lots of fun.

but that was all i had to show in defense of my fathers chidings, to balance out the atrocious state of my finances, to console myself when i thought of how many projects i wanted to do, and how nothing ever seemed to get done. when i'd lose a job, i'd shrug and talk myself into how i didn't want it anyway. how the fun that had me lose it was warrented, and how the job was beneath me. how i didn't respect the people i worked for. the truth was that i didn't respect myself.

i'll tell you, this whole line of thinking freaks me out. completely. i don't know what to do with this new reality. and i have to deal with it, because there is nothing to numb it out. there is nothing to dstract me from seeing it. and what i've seen has been so hard to bring into a coherant thought. but its blindingly simple, the core of it. it has been shockingly amazing what i've come to acknowledge and what kinds of massive bags of worms the seeing has caused in me.

what i've found is that i am not nearly as smart as i thought i was. all this time its been a matter of not doing what i should for the sake of not doing it. the entire time i did, i thought i could return to my high school pre substance ladden sharpness anytime i chose. fact is that i can't. im not as quick or sharp as i used to be. i've grown dull over time. i can fake the intelligence, but when it comes down to it, i know that i'll need to grow painfully for a while now, something i could have avoided, completely.

i've also found myself again. the girl i was when i was 15. when i read books and fantacised about how one day i'd find someone beautiful that would think i was so as well. back in sobriety, i have to admit i've rediscovered a certain modesty of self and innocence of perspective. the quality of absolute perception of life. the wide span of emotions that comes with being human. the fantastic knowledge that i am here, present, watching, seeing what really is. not making excuses or stories, just being. its hard to bring into words outside of the basic idea that it feels like when i was young and untouched. like my whole life is spread before me. the sight of a long sweeping plain of grass, lush, green, and so vividly real it seems like a dream. i'm overwhelmed by it.

and most of all im left just wondering. why did it take so long to get here? i know i've done something worth while over the last 10 years, probably plenty, but i can't escape how much i haven't. and whats more, will i sink back into this quicksand of no ambition, behind the clock, indecision, dullness, wasting days and nights, my health, everything my parents have been saying for years, is this an island of clarity that i'll lose again if i let myself have a drink one night? most of all, where have i been all this time? and who if not that person, am i?

today marks 4 weeks of no smoke, and no alcohol. i've had a few hiccups, i had a glass of wine the first weekend with a new years dinner, and a half a glass of white a few weeks later, with some pasta i found hard to get down. a friend came into town and smoked a joint in front of me, it was the half way point so i buckled, because he was stressing me out terribly, and i justified it to myself for this. even so, i feel like a completely different person. i don't go to a bar after work, i clean my house more, i think about the money i have, and try not to spend it. im taking myself seriously at work. im still no where near where i want to be, but i am a lot closer.

so this is the latest. utter sobriety. sexual deviancy is at its lowest ever. the wild things i once did, i simly don't care to do any longer. call me the siddhartha. i've gone everywhere i can go in sexuality, substance, and socialization. i feel done with those worlds. over them.

wild in its tameness this new life. lets see what i do with it.

s