novella-looking for light

oh, these ads. craigslist is so brilliant and futile, all at once, no?

its been a long time since i've posted here. today i do so to undergo the exercise of putting words to what i want. re-la-tion-ship. say it, slowly. calm that fluttering heart.

let me be honest with you in the security blanket of anonymity. im inwardly very resistant to the idea of one. contradicting desires, you see. something substantial yes... something restricting, no.

i am an artist. i am an individual. i'm certainly not like anyone you've met, and i have the requisite intelligence, beauty, and sense of humor that everyone seems to want.

but im complex. high inner sexual energy, with a matching high speed thought process. i think too much for the men that match me sexually; i am too much to swallow for the men that are intellectual enough to match my mind. i don't operate according to the rules. i am impossible to categorize. i constantly crave variety. i have a strong personality, and yes, i am intense. as a result, people draw assumptions about who i am, wide sweeping, all over the map. it becomes frustrating, and for it, i question myself.

perhaps you will have the sight to see it for what it is. uniquity.

im trepidatious when it comes to the long term. i know life today, and tomorrow. maybe next week, but next month? next year? your guess is as good as mine. i don't need a ring from you. i just want to dance tonight, right now.

i have been in dc for 3 years, and ive been single since i got here. on purpose.

i despise routine. stuck in a stale situation with someone is the last thing i want. so i walk single, through trysts here and there, playing the cat and mouse game, wondering if it will hit me tomorrow, out of this boy or that. but we are dishonoring of each other in our wanderings through bars and coffee shops, and i am growing weary of the impermanence of these trysts, as vivid and enticing as they are sometimes. i can go anywhere, meet anyone beautiful on any given night, but after a while it gets repetitious, this constant peering whats next face in the strangers that we meet. men who want my body while doing nothing to earn it. i want chemistry. i want honoring. i want romance. i want to share something fundamentally profound with someone fundamentally incredible. over the course of time.

sometimes i fear i never will touch that still life light of possibility.

i am passionate. about so much. you would be someone that shared that passion, for love, for life, for dreams, for living. someone that understood why i can't be anything but this intense soaring searing life force.

it has taken a while for me to resolve with myself in the first place that im looking for a relationship. the word makes me cringe a little. the fact that im here, posting, makes me cringe a little. i want to meet you by fantastical circumstance. i want it to make sense, from the beginning. i want to move past awkward relationship speeches about past baggage and lost heart space, past reasons not to believe in life, in love.

we were built to connect. why do so many of us act so determined not to?

myself included.

i speak softly, but i say all the things that most only think. i have eyes that will see inside of you even as you get lost in them. im shy on the inside, and sassy on the outside. i come from an old culture, i was born in the new world. im a paradox. you should be able to appreciate this about me..

i am different. i always have been.

and in my independence, my freedom march, i think i'd like to find someone to join me. someone different, like me.

the laundry list becomes accumulative as time wears on. as someone with culture, its requisite that you have some too. another language you speak, or an exoticism to your outer appearance. you have to be smart, book oriented, tv avoidant, and please for the love of god, have a sense of sensuality, rhythm, an appreciation for sexiness. take your time sexiness. an ability to hold back on your desires, while cultivating a strong inner flame.

it would be icing if you played chess, and liked to dance. if you valued poetry, and the arts. if the idea of rock climbing sounds fun, or if you do something creative for a living, or as a major pastime. persian? could i start to dream for that?

i don't know where this novella will take me. i will stop here, as i've already said too much.

posted on craigslist, sometime in the beginning of february