tonight i wandered the streets.
i've been recently inspired to start writing here again. i've been implored by others in the past, come on, s. will you *please* update your blog already??
but i don't, i haven't, i write spontaneously so that you'll forget im here, writing, talking, telling everything ive got in my head. i'd rather it partially live in my conversations, sometimes in my email, and the rest in my head. see words spoken are forgotten much more quickly than words written, and that staying power haunts us a little doesn't it? all this time, its been if i don't record this is happening, then i might successfully forget it ever happened. which is desirable when you think about the limited amount of space there is for all these memories. i mean, there can't be enough room to hold every thing i notice. can there? i highly doubt it.
tonight i went out. solitarily. to first one bar then another. the first one i've written about here, im usually completely blitzed when i go there. i'll generally go after work, have a scotch, a marguarita, a redheaded slut then another scotch. by this time the band comes on, and i slink away to smoke cigarettes with them, conveniently around when the j is passed. and after that, the rasta beats go, and we all fly... happy and carefree.
but tonight, it didn't go that way.
and im not going to make it sound better or worse, bc truth be told it wasn't. im a pretty big fan of this new clarity. i don't want to give it back or up anytime soon. but with the good comes the bad, right? i would say tonight was a highlight highlife night.
when i got there it was already crowded. i say hi to the band. im usually warmly recieved, tonight, not so much. its been a long time since i've come, and i wonder at how people do it so fast, that distancing thing. out of sight, out of mind i guess. the music soon comes on. i ordered a gingerale. 2 dollars plus tip. started writing in my book at the bar. italian guy is there tonight, dude i wrote about a few posts ago. he's pretty into me and i think its because im not that into him romantically. see. when i stand still and/or stand back they are like flies on honey, man. so focus on the book. obnoxiously loud girl behind me, and despite a glare tossed in her direction, she doesn't shut up or quiet down. she sounds like a really special kind of idiot. i can't handle it anymore. i slam my book shut and dart out of earshot, one more second and i felt like id reach over and smack her straight stupid.
walking away. in a corner with my journal. out to wander the smokers. bored back inside. a frenchman buys me a drink. what am i drinking? cranberry juice. i talk to his friend in the meantime. cute. boring. to the front. band playing. same songs. nothing changes. im tired. why am i here. get out. leave. ok. bag. coat. bye.
i walk deserted dc streets to lima. ive spent so many late drunk nights there i hate to think too much about it. i've hosted many an afterparty afterwards. its close to my place. wed used to be the night to go. it feels like a long walk. on the way a bum clobbers something in my direction, too loudly, hes a little crazy. i say no, i dont have fiffthy cenths and he thanks me profusely.... for answering him. god. isn't that the truth? we have stopped even acknowledging each other as human.
at this place the club music is pumping. its promising, ive many times thought that this would be the perfect movie club, there are two levels, the characters that come are loyal to the place, and show up week after week providing a lively drama palatte perfect for scripting. i walk upstairs. i walk down stairs. i put my bag away, wander around, looking at people. they all look stupid. ive got a tightness on my face, im almost confused. im studying my surroundings. go up to the bathroom, then back down to the dance area. its not overwhelmingly crowded as it usually is on the weekends and i have an easy time maneuvering around. i see a guy i know - i met him last valentines day at the bar ive just come from, one of many men that came home with me expecting one thing and not getting it, my highschool sex not cutting it in the adult world. that one had been a little more though, all i remember is a gentleman quickly turned humping animal, gearing up to plunge before i stopped it in the nick of time. sometimes i didn't get away, sometimes i didn't manage to keep it so innocent. sometimes i was just trashed enough not to care. sometimes, i just wanted to pretend you cared, pretend i belonged in someones arms, pretend for the length of a night that i was a certain kind of desirable.now im haunted by these memories, i feel like saying that it wasn't me there at all... because really, i hardly remember being there. its a long long long way from where i am right now.
so back down the stairs, i come to a rest by the wall. theres a light that is flashing in my eyes, and i wonder why before i realise itis the light of the club, a strobe basically. theres a guy starting to dance. most people are holding drinks. i feel strangely sick, like i can't stomach the sight of it. the light flashes in my eyes again, like a warning. and again. and now, again. like an sos. go. get out. go home. now. it builds and builds until i feel a strange pressure, a panic in my chest. and now its quarter to midnight, and id promised myself the midnight curfew and i whirl and i grab my bag, and i leave.
im glad the walk is short. ahead of me are three guys, acting shady and boyish, slappin each other fucking around, the whole nine. im walking briskly. i have a long black coat on, tallish flat boots, knee length pants. id come from work to eat to the lounge to lima and now walking home, i just wanted to be alone with the street. i lost awareness of the boys as soon as i'd noticed them until i heard very clearly the words, "now there's a whore" as they cross the street, away from me. horrified i look up and down the street, but other than me, i see nothing. people getting into a car way over there. none of the three were looking in my direction but i had to fight the urge to yell out at them just what the fuck did they just say? i pressed on, remember its a pretty short distance, but every detail heightened, a block more and i passed a car, in it, four men, my eyes sweep by and one of the dark pairs in the car catches them. he calls out from the car, "hey sweetie, wanna come share a glass of wine with us?" i don't stop. i say no, forcefully, angrily, as i pass. all because im walking alone? and because im a woman? jesus!
by this time im in a slight panic. what the fuck. why should i be wandering the streets of dc at midnight in the middle of the week out of restlessness? i caught myself wishing for protection in the form of a man in my life. thinking of how he'd be here next to me, or that i'd be at home sharing sexy spaces, instead of on a street feeling strangely threatened. i hardly ever let myself get wishful like this.. i don't like the idea of needing anyone. id rather be self sufficient, and whole. but i caught a panic tonight. i crossed through the roundabout that marked the final leg and choked back a sob. my eyes filled angrily, but it didn't go farther than that.
ive never been a fearful person. but for some reason i was tonight. i feel more myself than ever and its like im suddenly discovering who that is. its more serious than it was, its more inner, its more withdrawn and protective than i've known myself to be. my happy go lucky reputation, seems to have taken a sabatacle. and im a little overwhelmed by it, because sometimes its in direct opposition from who i was. tonight i felt extremely vulnerable, ive been feeling that a lot, and its been pretty frightening. i don't know why though, i've always been balls to the wall open and out there with everything that is "me". why now? why so alienated from society? why did all these people look like such slobs to me tonight? am i growing up? what the hell is happening?
as i crossed into the circle, i felt myself mildly hyperventilating, breathing hard to stay calm. all i wanted was the safety of my apt on the other side of the circle. being outside seemed suddenly dangerous. and then as i crossed something suddenly calmed me, it was a smell. the smell of freshly cut grass.
a high school kickball field. mowing the lawn when i was 13. playing london bridges when i was 4. my parents yard, my mothers flowers, all of my young safe beautiful life. the memory of stability.
my god. why do the strangest things make me cry?
but i don't, i haven't, i write spontaneously so that you'll forget im here, writing, talking, telling everything ive got in my head. i'd rather it partially live in my conversations, sometimes in my email, and the rest in my head. see words spoken are forgotten much more quickly than words written, and that staying power haunts us a little doesn't it? all this time, its been if i don't record this is happening, then i might successfully forget it ever happened. which is desirable when you think about the limited amount of space there is for all these memories. i mean, there can't be enough room to hold every thing i notice. can there? i highly doubt it.
tonight i went out. solitarily. to first one bar then another. the first one i've written about here, im usually completely blitzed when i go there. i'll generally go after work, have a scotch, a marguarita, a redheaded slut then another scotch. by this time the band comes on, and i slink away to smoke cigarettes with them, conveniently around when the j is passed. and after that, the rasta beats go, and we all fly... happy and carefree.
but tonight, it didn't go that way.
and im not going to make it sound better or worse, bc truth be told it wasn't. im a pretty big fan of this new clarity. i don't want to give it back or up anytime soon. but with the good comes the bad, right? i would say tonight was a highlight highlife night.
when i got there it was already crowded. i say hi to the band. im usually warmly recieved, tonight, not so much. its been a long time since i've come, and i wonder at how people do it so fast, that distancing thing. out of sight, out of mind i guess. the music soon comes on. i ordered a gingerale. 2 dollars plus tip. started writing in my book at the bar. italian guy is there tonight, dude i wrote about a few posts ago. he's pretty into me and i think its because im not that into him romantically. see. when i stand still and/or stand back they are like flies on honey, man. so focus on the book. obnoxiously loud girl behind me, and despite a glare tossed in her direction, she doesn't shut up or quiet down. she sounds like a really special kind of idiot. i can't handle it anymore. i slam my book shut and dart out of earshot, one more second and i felt like id reach over and smack her straight stupid.
walking away. in a corner with my journal. out to wander the smokers. bored back inside. a frenchman buys me a drink. what am i drinking? cranberry juice. i talk to his friend in the meantime. cute. boring. to the front. band playing. same songs. nothing changes. im tired. why am i here. get out. leave. ok. bag. coat. bye.
i walk deserted dc streets to lima. ive spent so many late drunk nights there i hate to think too much about it. i've hosted many an afterparty afterwards. its close to my place. wed used to be the night to go. it feels like a long walk. on the way a bum clobbers something in my direction, too loudly, hes a little crazy. i say no, i dont have fiffthy cenths and he thanks me profusely.... for answering him. god. isn't that the truth? we have stopped even acknowledging each other as human.
at this place the club music is pumping. its promising, ive many times thought that this would be the perfect movie club, there are two levels, the characters that come are loyal to the place, and show up week after week providing a lively drama palatte perfect for scripting. i walk upstairs. i walk down stairs. i put my bag away, wander around, looking at people. they all look stupid. ive got a tightness on my face, im almost confused. im studying my surroundings. go up to the bathroom, then back down to the dance area. its not overwhelmingly crowded as it usually is on the weekends and i have an easy time maneuvering around. i see a guy i know - i met him last valentines day at the bar ive just come from, one of many men that came home with me expecting one thing and not getting it, my highschool sex not cutting it in the adult world. that one had been a little more though, all i remember is a gentleman quickly turned humping animal, gearing up to plunge before i stopped it in the nick of time. sometimes i didn't get away, sometimes i didn't manage to keep it so innocent. sometimes i was just trashed enough not to care. sometimes, i just wanted to pretend you cared, pretend i belonged in someones arms, pretend for the length of a night that i was a certain kind of desirable.now im haunted by these memories, i feel like saying that it wasn't me there at all... because really, i hardly remember being there. its a long long long way from where i am right now.
so back down the stairs, i come to a rest by the wall. theres a light that is flashing in my eyes, and i wonder why before i realise itis the light of the club, a strobe basically. theres a guy starting to dance. most people are holding drinks. i feel strangely sick, like i can't stomach the sight of it. the light flashes in my eyes again, like a warning. and again. and now, again. like an sos. go. get out. go home. now. it builds and builds until i feel a strange pressure, a panic in my chest. and now its quarter to midnight, and id promised myself the midnight curfew and i whirl and i grab my bag, and i leave.
im glad the walk is short. ahead of me are three guys, acting shady and boyish, slappin each other fucking around, the whole nine. im walking briskly. i have a long black coat on, tallish flat boots, knee length pants. id come from work to eat to the lounge to lima and now walking home, i just wanted to be alone with the street. i lost awareness of the boys as soon as i'd noticed them until i heard very clearly the words, "now there's a whore" as they cross the street, away from me. horrified i look up and down the street, but other than me, i see nothing. people getting into a car way over there. none of the three were looking in my direction but i had to fight the urge to yell out at them just what the fuck did they just say? i pressed on, remember its a pretty short distance, but every detail heightened, a block more and i passed a car, in it, four men, my eyes sweep by and one of the dark pairs in the car catches them. he calls out from the car, "hey sweetie, wanna come share a glass of wine with us?" i don't stop. i say no, forcefully, angrily, as i pass. all because im walking alone? and because im a woman? jesus!
by this time im in a slight panic. what the fuck. why should i be wandering the streets of dc at midnight in the middle of the week out of restlessness? i caught myself wishing for protection in the form of a man in my life. thinking of how he'd be here next to me, or that i'd be at home sharing sexy spaces, instead of on a street feeling strangely threatened. i hardly ever let myself get wishful like this.. i don't like the idea of needing anyone. id rather be self sufficient, and whole. but i caught a panic tonight. i crossed through the roundabout that marked the final leg and choked back a sob. my eyes filled angrily, but it didn't go farther than that.
ive never been a fearful person. but for some reason i was tonight. i feel more myself than ever and its like im suddenly discovering who that is. its more serious than it was, its more inner, its more withdrawn and protective than i've known myself to be. my happy go lucky reputation, seems to have taken a sabatacle. and im a little overwhelmed by it, because sometimes its in direct opposition from who i was. tonight i felt extremely vulnerable, ive been feeling that a lot, and its been pretty frightening. i don't know why though, i've always been balls to the wall open and out there with everything that is "me". why now? why so alienated from society? why did all these people look like such slobs to me tonight? am i growing up? what the hell is happening?
as i crossed into the circle, i felt myself mildly hyperventilating, breathing hard to stay calm. all i wanted was the safety of my apt on the other side of the circle. being outside seemed suddenly dangerous. and then as i crossed something suddenly calmed me, it was a smell. the smell of freshly cut grass.
a high school kickball field. mowing the lawn when i was 13. playing london bridges when i was 4. my parents yard, my mothers flowers, all of my young safe beautiful life. the memory of stability.
my god. why do the strangest things make me cry?
posted by sheloves at 1:30 AM
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